Ode to My iPod

Oh, my lovely shiny pink box of music and wonderment.
It is a joy to carry you in my pocket
or to wear you around my neck
while my favorite songs resonate from small buds in my ears.

You are small, yet contain the world.
You store all that is sacred and beautiful to me...
music, music, music.

There is never enough time in the day to
download CD's and clips from the Net
or to listen to every song
I have hence downloaded onto your minute hard drive.

You are compact
you are a tiny musical
digital
soul
that fits into my pocket.

I cherish you...
my iPod.

The True Spirit of the Season

I am lucky enough to work at a local nonprofit. I work someplace where all of my colleagues feel like family and I feel good about the hard work I put it...in the end it helps someone in need.

Today, I had the honor of experiencing the true spirit of the season. We had a donor give us 300 Christmas trees. This morning we distributed these trees to the people we serve. There were families with huge smiles on their faces, thanking the volunteers profusely. There were individuals explaining what this tree meant after a year of cancer or a lost job. There were tears of unexplained happiness and surprise. And, for a small moment, I was part of their life. I had helped make it happen.

I truly feel blessed in my life for all that I do. And, I feel like these people, every single day, have given me a gift. This gift reminds me to be humble, compassionate, helpful and...all in all...to be a good neighbor. In the state of Arizona, there are 686,000 people who aren't sure whether they will eat today. This blows me away. It inspires me to do all I can to help those who find themselves in need. I never know whether I will find myself in a situation when I will need help, but it may be these individuals that will provide me it.

There is so much emotion running through me right now and so many thoughts. Contemplating all that has occurred today, reminds me that this is not unusual for millions of Americans. This is what they know every day--whether they are giving or receiving. After today, I have a hard time believing that people are intrinsically bad...there is too much good in the world.

No More Paper

I love Christmas, but if I see anymore wrapping paper or tape, I think I will go insane. All I have done the last few days is wrap gifts. I guess this is a good indication that I have gone a little overboard. So, what can I do to meet a compromise? I enjoy buying gifts for those I love, but I get tired of wrapping them. Maybe I should begin to invest in having the department store wrap my gifts. This may be incentive in not going too crazy with the purchases.

The other paper that has driven me crazy is the paper that makes up my Christmas cards. I full-heartedly believe in old-fashioned mail. I e-mail all the time, but there is nothing like receiving a true letter in the mail. It is the joy that I have in writing and the recipient has in receiving it. However, at Christmas...sending out 50 or so Christmas cards is a little cumbersome. I think if I had more time, I would probably hand make each one and include a note, but this year, my spirit and heart just wasn't there. I wanted to simply just get the cards in the mail. Does this mean I am beginning to lack in those values I am endeared to? I hope not. Perhaps my only solution is to stop making friends. Just kidding. I think my solution is to remember that sending out these cards will bring a smile to someone's face and let them know they are special to me.

I think that is truly what the holidays are about...not paper, cards, wrapping, gifts, shopping...the season is about friends and family. Letting them know how much I care for them and love them. Letting them know that they are the ones who have helped me become the person I am. Friends and family are the personification of my heart and soul. They understand my imperfections, passions and strengths. Christmas is about sharing all of this...and then remembering it throughout the year.

Christmas is about the birth of the Messiah, but also about what He stood for. Love, compassion, understanding, promise and hope.

"An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.'" Luke 2:9-11

New Boots

Today couldn't be better...I got new boots! These are not just any ol' boots, but Western boots--Ropers, to be exact. I have wanted a pair for a while now and it was my lucky day because one of the local mainstay western wear places in town is going out of business. I not only got a screaming deal on a pair of boots, but they are beautiful! I have never seen a pair like them. I fell in love with them as soon as I put them and never took them off until I finally got home.

These lovely ladies are black leather with a tooled swirl across the toe. The upper part of the boot is a beige color with a black leather applique of a cowboy on a bronco. The very top of the boot is edged in black. They are sassy, sexy and adorable all at the same time.

So, now, I have an insane itch to go out dancing. I want to swagger, kick, churn and spin around a wooden floor. I can already hear the fiddle beckoning to my hips, begging them to sway. And, the steel guitar is telling my thumbs to take their rightful place through the two front belt loops on my jeans.

Ah. Two-stepping around the floor to one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard, Neon Moon, listening to the soft...click, click, scuff, scuff, click, click, scuff, scuff, of my ebony wooden heels against the floor. The lights are dimmed and the din around me drowns in the music. The melody swims through my head and I go into a soothing, warming trance. My partner is smiling, but I only notice his hand upon the small of my back and the faint scent of a masculine cologne that promises to bring the essence of the woods. Every other sense is taken up by the music.

This is what it is all about...good music, blue jeans and new boots.

Spiritual Being

"We are not human beings trying to be spiritual. We are spiritual beings trying to be human." - Jacquelyn Small

I read this quote today and it spoke to me. It is a wonderful way to look at life. As human creatures, we are unlike anything else alive on the planet because we have this ability to get in touch with the spiritual. Perhaps some people would say that animals have spirits and I don't doubt that. However, we, as humans, have an awareness of spirituality. We have this innate ability to have faith. Infalliable, amazing faith.

This quote explains to me the grappling that occurs between my soul and my brain. It is the soul that houses the spiritual me...the me that sees beauty in a sunset, art and people. My brain contains the part of me that embraces reality, truth and science. For me, both sides are close to my heart because both let me know that I exist and feel.

My spiritual self allows me to appreciate a piece of art that speaks to me. It allows me to have the power to cry and have an emotional reaction to shapes and colors on a canvas and make sense of it.

My human self allows me to appreciate the physics and order of my world, the stars and numbers. I like the concrete. I like the exercise I am able to give my grey matter.

In the end, I think the core of this quote is that our spiritual self knows we exist. The human side, needing evidence, is not so certain. I think I will try to refer more often to my spiritual self...it has a better connection to my needs and passions.

I'm not so sure I want to strive to be human anymore. I think I would rather work on being a better spiritual being--the place where I started life.

Someday is Today

Move over Scarlet O'Hara...there is no more "fiddle-dee-dee. there's always tomorrow." I learned today that there is a lot to carpe diem. Why wait until someday to do those things that you really yearn for? Do those things for which you have passion and those things that drive you...now.

The person who told me this was inspiring. She had a whimsy and spirit that made me look at myself and decide I need more happiness. I need more positive. I am always busy; always on-the-go. Slow down. Think. Imbibe the world around me.

The negative should be thrown to the wind and turned into a positive outlet to get those things done that need to be done and then make time for those things that I want to do.

Active. Changing. Metamorphosis. When will I turn into a butterfly that can fly away whenever I feel like it?

I suspect it is when I allow myself to.

I know that won't happen tomorrow...I need to take small steps and let myself learn what it means to live and act on my whims; truly enjoy life without stress and strain.

Already, I put my plan into place. I turned some of my reactions that may have normally been negative into something positive. I moved on. It has been a "floating" experience for me. Why floating? Because I feel as if I am floating above my problems and viewing them from an outside perspective. It is more constructive.

One last tip. An important part of my new plan...sing as loud and as long as you want while driving in your car. Belt it out! Ignore the drivers next to you. They are missing out on something that makes you feel alive! I may have had a hoarse voice after singing to an entire CD, but I was smiling inside.

You

You
Brown thick hair that begs for my fingers
to rake each shining strand
Lips that call to mine, making me ache
for a taste
Eyes that look straight through to my soul,
and my heart
A mouth that speaks truth and love, telling
me that you believe in me
Arms that wrap themselves around,
keeping me safe from harm and hurt

You
The other part of me
My shared soul
My lifetime love
One and only

You
Kodachrome of light shining through a window
Rain drenching a parched desert
Music composed in perfect tune and time

You
Inhale
Touch
Exhale
Kiss
Inhale
Caress
Exhale
Sigh
Inhale
Heartbeat


You...Me...Us

One.

The Princess Bride

The Princess Bride--what a wonderfully fun movie. I never tire of watching this film. It brings back some great memories from high school. In drama class, each of us knew the words of the entire movie. We would re-enact the entire thing, with the accents and lisps of every character. It is a story that is ridiculous, funny and romantic all at the same time.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the simpler time of high school. It makes me laugh that I think of high school as simple...when I was a teenager, my life seemed anything but simple. I was trying to find who I was, I was also trying to appease all those around me. They had put so much hope into me. They believed in me. It isn't easy when you are the smart one in the family, the first one to go to university and the one expected to make something excellent of your life. There was no time for fun or acting on hormones. My life consisted of studying, sports and other extracurricular activities that would make me look like a "well-rounded" student on paper.

After the hard work, I still never got to attend the university of my choice. And, I missed out on so much. I didn't get to experience true life until college and, even then, school always came first. I never really experienced the wonder of being on my own and what the world had to offer me until I traveled abroad alone.

So, now, I am once again the princess, but also soon-to-be a bride. Everyone is focussing their attention on me because I will be graduating with my master's degree. And, in a little more than a year from now, I will be gettign married. The attention and hope on me has brought back some very familiar feelings and memories. As I was after college, I am fearing the unknown. I am afraid that I will lose a bit of my identity and who I have grown to be. I also am afraid of the future family my fiance and I would like to have. Will I be a good enough mother? Will I be a good wife? I am sure these are fears that everyone has, but for me...this is a foreshadowing of failure. I need to have faith. I need the knowledge to make this successful. But, how do you study to be a good wife? A wonderful mother?

These are dilemmas for the princess bride. She will have to look deep inside herself and find the answers. Will she succeed?

Something So Sad

It is the first Saturday after the end of the Semester--my first weekend during my winter break--and what am I doing? I am sitting at my desk at work. Already I have been here an hour and a half. I am thinking this is pathetic. No one should be at work on Saturday, but on the first free Saturday a person has...no homework or papers.

However, there is something so nice about working on a Saturday. It is quiet. No phone calls; the only sound is the music coming from the CD player. Music I can play as loud as I want without disturbing anyone. There is something peaceful about the office on a Saturday. I actually enjoy my work much more. Yes, this is something even sadder.

After working, I have shopping to look forward to--Christmas Shopping. Or, is that holiday shopping? Which one is more politically correct? Or, does it matter since this is my own personal blog? Should I worry about offending any of my readers?

Yesterday, a friend and I were discussing political correctness. Is it going too far when people expect you to change who you are and where you come from in order to appease them? Whatever happened to Tolerance? What happened to people tolerating the views and differences of others? Why are we forcing everyone to be the same?

The reason I love living in the States is because we are all so different. We all have different backgrounds, skin colors, religions, beliefs and beautiful wonderful lore. We are a diverse culture.If people can't understand that, then I think I am sad for our country. I am sad for those who don't understand that all of these differences are what make us an amazing citizenry. Before political correctness...we need understanding, appreciation and, again, tolerance. If we can't grasp that then I am sad for all of us.

My suggestion for the day: Learn from those around you. Learn from their differences. Not only do you have a better appreciation for them, but you will also have a better understanding of who you are.

My Lesson Today

I learned something very important today. Save your blog as a draft when unsure of the Blogger system. I had written a lovely piece yesterday and now it is lost and gone forever; never to return to this place.

It's no wonder so many technies are paranoid individuals as well. Everything they create can possibly be lost in cyberspace. The Control + S control is one that many of us know well. To not know it can mean losing a thesis, a list of procedures for work or, worse yet, your grocery list! GASP!

How have we become slaves? How have we become "souls sacrificed on the altar of technology" as Steven Shaviro states? We are dependent on the technology around us and we will never be able to turn back. We are lost without ATM cards, we now journal online (my blog--point and case), we communicate with one another via e-mail. Our connections have become webbed and multi-faceted and they are all through technology.

The lesson...take one day to get away from the technology in your life and appreciate nature. Then, the next day, return to a calendar on your PDA, your cell phone, your e-mail, your laptop, your ATM/Debit card and everything else that defines us an advanced technological culture. And, save your writing!

ABBA

Did you ever notice that there is something so compelling about Abba's music? The strange high pitch voices that barely mouth the English words. The funky rythmn that makes your body want to dance. The lyrics that inspire a hairbrush under your chin, posing as a microphone.

What is the power that Abba holds over us? For me, it is memories of my childhood. Riding in our brown metallic van with an Abba 8-track in the radio, singing to Super Trooper or Fernando. It is a band that has defined two generations...our parents and us (their children). When I think about it there are so many bands like that...bands whose music plays in the back of my mind when memories unfold and web. Queen. Chicago. Alabama. Blondie. Rolling Stones.

Queen's music cuts through to my heart and to me, there has never been a better band in existence...well, except The Beatles. But, Abba. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I should watch Muriel's Wedding again and try to synthesize my attraction to the Swedish band?
In the end, perhaps, it is just because I am a Dancing Queen at heart.

Things Unnoticed: Los Angeles

Below is a short piece I wrote about one of my favorite places for a writing class...I like it so I figure why not share it. Especially, since tonight I have had the realization that this "diary" of sorts is on the World Wide Web and people actually may read this.

Los Angeles is a city of things unnoticed. It is a city where on the East side a fuschia truck drives slowly up and down winding roads, selling fruits and vegetables. Locals step out of their brightly colored homes and flag down the driver. They do their shopping for the week, as well as purchase a few indulgences—dried sweetened papaya. Mango-flavored ice cream. Neighbors speak to one another from their front porches and swap stories of relatives still across the border.

Los Angeles is filled with places of quiet contemplation. A fountain garden nestled between two mirrored, glazed buildings in the heart of the financial district. The rushing water drowns out the hectic world bellowing below its third-story perch. An adobe Spanish mission sits at an intersection of busy streets and train tracks. Inside the scent of incense and wax permeates the air. One speaks in a hush when the large gold altar comes into view. The Griffith Observatory commands the valley below. A crux at the front of the building provides a pocket where one can sit and watch the sunset’s orange glow bounce off moving cars, glassy towers and the curling surface of the ocean. There is only the wind. City lights blink back.

The Inner City Toilet Stall

Have you ever noticed things so strange that you have to write about it....but you're not sure why it compells you? The other night, I was in class and needed to take a break. I head to the ladies' restroom. I go into one of the stalls and have to laugh out loud. I am certain the person next to me was wondering what psychopath was occupying the adjoining toilet. Why was it funny? The stall had two locks!
This was what I would call an inner city toilet stall. You are so paranoid of the baddies outside that you want to be sure no one can get in. It was so ironic to what most of us may encounter in a public bathroom. Usually, I'm lucky if the bloody door closes, let alone locks.
Let's move on to a more appropriate subject...the end of the semester. There is never more joy than the moment after leaving your last class before break. It is a freeing feeling. You want to dance and jump. It is like the Toyota commercial, outside of Building 2. "Oh, What a Feeling!" I will be encountering this euphoria Tuesday night! Then, it is back to reality and the work and grind must begin on my thesis.
No one said nirvana lasts forever!

Coincidental Observation #2

Today, while sitting in my Technologies of Writing course, I was reading something online that was referenced by our professor. As my eyes read over the words, "vice versa," someone at the desk next to mine said "vice versa" in a coversation to another student.

Post Script
If you consider yourself a member of the Digerati and are interested in online publications, e-books, offbeat art, etc., visit AltX, an online zine. It is located at www.altx.com. Enjoy!

Wine

Crystal ruby, pomegranate, cranberry. Liquid in a shimmering glass, light diffused into a crimson shape on the blonde wood table. A candle flickers its golden wave, making shadows on the walls.
Friends talk and laugh. Giggle and clap their hands together. Sharing. Finding connection. Smiles. White teeth. Eyes glowing with happiness.
Sipping. Imbibing. Smelling the floral wafting up the vessel toward an awaiting nose. Over the tongue. To the back of the throat. An elegant swallow. Exhale. Ah. Heaven.
Enjoyment. Contentment. Hand placed lightly on a cheek. Finger circling the stem of the glass. Tongue swiped across pink, shining lips. Residual sweetness.
One evening. Multiple discussions.
Wine amongst friends.

Coincidental Observation #1

While driving home today, I noticed the car in front of me with Virginia state plates. At that moment, on the radio, played the song, "Meet Virginia" by Train.

Sensory Consciousness

As I drove home tonight from school, I had a moment of clarity, a moment when I was aware of everything around me. A car stereo nearby playing a latin rythmn. My breathing deep and full--in, out, in, out. The blare of a red stop light, shining through my windshield. The ridges on the brake, felt through the thin bottom of the shoe. The smooth surface as my hand runs along the top of my steering wheel. My own radio, playing a song that has a beat that emanates through my inner ear. The sound of my tires on the road's pavement, thump, thump, thump over the ridges in the street.
Awareness of everything around me brought on a sudden sadness. A sadness at how small I am in the world. The things I have put in the forefront are insignificant when compared to so many things that are occurring today. Children are going hungry, people are facing genocide, and entire rainforests that have within them scientific miracles and unknown species are being destroyed. How does getting my homework completed every night compare? How can my problems with being alone compare?
I realized today that I need to make sure I take time to appreciate the things that matter in my life. I need to take in the daily miracles, the daily "blessings." I need to take time out and appreciate who I am. I need to recognize those around me and all that they bring to my life.
First and foremost, if I truly want to make changes in the world, then I need to believe in myself and the changes I can make in my own life.
There is something to taking time to stop and smell the roses, but also listen to the rustle of the leaves on the ground, the buzz of the bees, the feel of the dew covered grass between in your toes and the velvety softness of a rose petal against your face.

Speedway, or My Day at the Track

Today was a day spent at the speedway. What a wonderful way to spend it too. The roar of the engines, the smell of the exhaust, the adrenaline in the air. There is nothing that exudes testosterone more than a NASCAR race.
I went along with a friend to the Phoenix International Raceway to see the Busch Series drivers fight it out on the pavement for 200 laps. The weather was perfect for a race...82 degrees, blue skies, white clouds dotting the skyline and a light wind. I couldn't have been more excited.
When we first arrived, they called out each driver. It was interesting to see which ones were booed and which ones were greeted with a positive howl. I had decided to root for Kevin Harvick, Matt Kenseth and Jamie McMurray...young drivers that I really enjoy watching.
After 75 of the 200 laps, we decided to walk around and visit the haulers. I love watching people at the races. There is such a diversity of fans. There is the woman dressed all in #20 orange (from shoe to cap), including gold #20 earrings. There is the man wearing the #24 shirt, socks, shoelaces and cap, as well as sporting a #24 tattoo. These are the unabashed fans who have pledged their allegiance to just one driver. These people will defend their driver anytime, anywhere.
Then there are those who can't decide. They wear a #88 cap, #18 shirt and then carry a scanner bag with a #5. They just know they like drivers, period. Why not spread the love around?
Then there are those who really just love the sport. These are the people who walk around casually in a hat and appropriate attire for a day outside. They also carry a light load, perhaps a scanner and earplugs, but nothing more. They don't wander the merchandise aisles, they don't need to. They walk straight to their seats and then stay put during the entire race. They can talk clearly with cars racing by, noisily. They know everything there is to know and are glad to answer questions.
NASCAR attracts everyone. It is the one sport that everyone can relate to, or imagine themselves in because we all drive a car. There is something so fascinating and exciting about driving a car so fast and dangerous. It is no wonder drivers are considered to be sexy by their female fans. Who wouldn't want a man who can drive and control a fast car while enduring 3 hours in a 120 degree car? They are athletic and disciplined. And don't even get me started on the physics that is involved in race cars...that is the whole reason I drawn into the sport. There is science that goes into every car and engine.
The race did not disappoint. The last laps were battled out between Jamie McMurray and Kyle Busch. Jamie won the race and everyone cheered. Then, people cleared out, concentrating on driving home, but all the while remembering their heroes from the day.
My friend and I walked back to her parents' trailer. We sat, drank beer and watched people walk by, enjoying the sunset and just relaxing after a fun day. That is the way a weekend day should be.
Now that I have put my memories of this day into my blog, I have to go back to reality. Back to school and work...until next time NASCAR is in town.
Just one last note...races are best when shared with those close to your heart. No matter how you share the battle from the track, it is amazing how much motorsports can connect people. Motorsports fans are passionate, smart and engaging. They make great friends and companions. I want to say thank you to all of the motorsports fans in my life...thank you for being you!

Dim Sum

Today was Dim Sum...not just because I went and ate dim sum with a good friend, but because it was very much a dim sum day--a day of this and that.
I started it with a run. The morning air filled my lungs with the kind of cleansing coolness that only exists in the Fall, early in the morning. As I exhaled the first few times, my breath was suspended in front of me in a warm cloud. I love mornings like this. I pounded the pavement in my white running shoes, long sleeved shirt sporting a purple Intel bunnyman and grey shorts. Through my ears and into my head rang the tunes of The Who. Running is rythmic and almost meditative. Nothing gets me going better in the morning.
"Teenage wasteland." Breath. "Teenage wasteland." Breath. "Teenage wasteland." Breath.
I got back to the house just in time to get ready and meet my friend, Sushi, at the conference center for an Indian Jewelry Show. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it sounded like a nice diversion.
I back out of the driveway, windows down, sunroof open, and Hawaiian pop music playing on my stereo. I took a deep breath....ah. In my head, a snapshot from our visit to Kauai. And, I am off toward the freeway.
At the Jewelry show, we made a concerted effort not to buy anything, but there are so many beautiful things, we couldn't resist. I walked away with a turquoise bracelet and a lovely amethyst necklace. We all sat around a table sharing the treasures we found. Oohing and ahhing.
I should step back a second...two of Sushi's friends were also at the show. I must have looked odd among my company. All of them old enough to be my mother, but such great company. They all have such wonderful stories and wisdom.
We decide that we want to go out for lunch...all of us famished. We go to C-Fu Gourmet...a restaurant famous for its dim sum.
Dim sum is a great thing; such a communal way to eat. As ladies walked by with carts, we glanced over curiously to see if there was anything we wanted to try. Black bean buns with their sweet, rich brown paste inside...a sweet treat. Tempura shrimp and seaweed rolls. Spring rolls with cabbage and mushroom fillings. Barbeque pork in a red only found in asian cooking. Everything is tempting and tasty.
As we snatch up crunchy, savory and sweet foods with our wooden chopsticks we chat about the things that are going on in our lives. I can't help but smile at this moment. I feel very honored to be allowed to be spend time with three friends who can pick up wherever they have left off, no matter how long it has been since they have seen each other. It made me ache a little for my best friend. It also made my heart swell because I had found a kindred spirit in Sushi.
Life can be like dim sum...you pick and choose those things you do, say and experience. We savor some, others we aren't as pleased with what we find. Along the way, as we taste and sample, our friends and family are right there helping you enjoy everything.
If you have never had dim sum, I highly recommend it. It is a meal to share with those you love and those you want to discover. It lends itself well to deep conversation, but also laughter and fun.
Now, I look forward to the remainder of my day...studying, reflecting, reading, writing and celebrating Halloween.
One more thing...my parents added to our family today. They adopted a new little puppy, what my fiancee calls a "dorky" because the puppy is a dachsund/yorky mix. We are in the process of naming him...our contribution was Yahtzee. I will dedicate my blog to my parents today...they have taken something off the dim sum cart that will add to their lives.

Connection

As I stood in the backyard, wind whipping through my hair, windchimes tinkling out a harmony and palm leaves swaying, I realized how connected everything is. The same wind that was blowing my hair off of my face was the same wind that made a beautiful song with my windchimes.
I looked up to the sky and watched with wonder the eclipse...another connection. All of the planets and moons in our universe are connected. On the face of the moon, I was watching the shadow of the earth make it a blood red. The sight was scary, beautiful, eerie and wonderful all at the same time. It brought to mind what an eclipse must have meant to people many many years ago. What was it? An omen of something bad to come? A time for sacrifice? How times have changed. An eclipse once would be a huge event in the lives of a community. Now, although it is mentioned during the weather, an ecelipse may be an unnoticed event.
Connection. Everyday, every moment is filled with connection. Connection with others, connection with our past, and even connection with a glimpsed-at future. Connections make all of us who we are...the people to whom we talk, the authors with whom we are associated, the movies we watch. One connection I am most proud is that which I share with my family. I count myself lucky to have such a close connection with my parents and my sister. We all share so much together. No matter where we are, we always stay in touch. Their love and support has made me the person I am today.
Not only do I share a connection with my biological family, but I have a strong connection with the family that I have around who may not be connected by blood. We are connected by philosophy, love, friendship and kinship. These are people who also have shaped who I am.
We cannot escape connection. We are all connected. Connected through the biology of our bodies, the oxygen we breath, the stars we seek and everything around us. Perhaps this is just the mad ravings of existentialism. Or, perhaps this is one of those rare moments where I have actually gotten a glimpse at the person I am.

All About the Weather

Did you ever have a day that was reflected perfectly in the state of the weather? Today started out cool and breezy...weather wise and life wise. It was beautiful and perfect. Flawless. I could breathe in and breathe out. Things were going on a smooth track and the rythmn of my day was bringing a smile to my face. I really felt like this would help the rest of my week lead into a dreamy weekend.
Things were still looking up when I left work to eat lunch with a friend and colleague. It was a lovely lunch where we smiled and laughed as we exchanged anecdotes. Outside, the wind was blowing and the sky was turning dark. Rain was on its way.
As I walked to the valet stand to get my car, sprinkles of water began to fall on my head. I drove to work with the rain getting heavier with each mile.
I arrived at work and missed the downpour as I got into the front door. The first meeting after lunch was our department meeting, uneventful, but everyone was tired and few were slightly grumpy. We escaped unscathed and emotions in-tact. If this had been a movie, a clap of thunder would have foreshadowed the next meeting and the doom it held.
The meeting among departments started off well enough, but obviously people had agendas or the weather was reeking havoc on their constitutions. The hostility in the one room could have created enough energy for several city blocks. I walked out feeling disgusted with the negative attitude people insist on taking. I had thought we were all working toward the same cause, but I guess I was mistaken. We all talked after the meeting, attempting to make heads or tails of the environment we had just walked away from.
The rain and wind continued outside. We were then told of a terrible accident on the freeways. Traffic was backed up badly. It was time to leave and no one was looking forward to the traffice waiting for us.
I left and decided to just take it mile by mile. I took some side roads that I thought would get me home fastest and safest. I talked to a friend on the phone (with my hands-free kit) to lighten my spirit. At the halfway point, I spied a rainbow stretching above the freeway. It was a sign to me of hope. The hope that God had promised me...things would get better. I was reminded that I could make a difference with my attitude. Stay positve. Don't get mired down.
I arrived home an hour later. It was nice to be home to my parents (visiting for the week) and a meal of chicken soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.
Often rain makes me thoughtful and slightly melancholy...a feeling that I enjoy once in a while because things slow down. I feel calm and solemn in my sould. I rest to read a book and drink a favorite glass of wine. But, tonight, after such a day, I appreciated having people I loved around me. I could feel at peace at once, as soon as my mum hugged me at the door.
Sometimes, it is all about the weather; all about the pattern we take. But, other times, when we are smart, we can stand outside and look at the weather and the patterns that are going on around us. Who said we have to be the rain? We can just learn from it and maybe get a little wet.

Music - Door to the Soul

As I was singing loudly in my car, both windows down and my mouth open wind enough to be a bug garage, pronouncing each word with emphasis, I realized there is nothing that makes more happy than music. It is a door to my soul.
I could live without a television, but be without some way to listen to music--I think I would die. I love listening to music. I love how each tone, rythmn and note can speak to me differently. One day a friend and I talked about the different music we listened to depending on our moods. For example, a rainy day calls for Billie Holiday, Harry Connick Jr., Etta James or Mozart.
Feeling a little down and you want to stay melancholy? A bath and Sarah McLachlan can do it.
When I want to sing, sing my heart out...any kind of Broadway musical is a must. The Beatles, Toby Keith and Martina McBride are some of my other favorites.
When I am feeling exotic and want to lounge around the house, I listen to Paris Combo, Paolo Conte or maybe some lounge music inspired by India.
While studying, it is great to listen to Clint Black, Nick Drake, Boy Drawn Badly or Talking Heads.
I could go on and on with the moods and music. With a prolific CD collection and access to music online, I can satisfy my craving for music all the time. I can never get enough. I think it may actually be an addiction, but don't tell anyone.
I truly believe that my heart and soul have been touched by music more times than a movie or even a human being. I have listened to some amazingly beautiful music...The Beatles' "Here Comes the Sun," Queen's "Barcelona" or "Show Must Go On," Etta James singing "At Last"....so many. Cecelia Bartoli's perfect voice can make my heart literally ping with pain and love. A long drawn violin, a slip on the string of a guitar, a softly played piano, a crescendo of string instruments...deep inside they touch me and my chest feels as if it is opening up to greet sun with happiness.
Music is a key to the soul. Outside of writing, it is one of the most powerful ways to communicate with the people we loathe, love, despise, envy and secretly admire. I love music.

Agreeing Not to Agree

You ever notice how no matter how close you are to someone, no matter how much you appreciate them and know them, it doesn't mean you will not find yourself disagreeing with them. Those are the times when it is best to agree not to agree. Friendships and loves are never worth the sacrifice of winning a debate.
Agree to disagree is even easier if you look at a debate/disagreement not as a way to win your way, but as a way to discuss the topic at hand, and perhaps you will actually learn something you never learned before. Other people are wise.
I like to engage people in discussion. I am completely drawn to people and their passions. I love hearing them talk about those things they feel so strongly about. There aren't too many things I can say I feel that way about. Their passion makes me envious. Why don't I have more conviction? Maybe I am just too unsure? Maybe I want to get the opportunity to hear their point?
Tonight, I pointed and counterpointed with a friend and saw an entirely different side of this person. A side that made me respect them all the more. They had an experience that made them feel a certain way and so did I. We talked about it, it got heated, but then we finally just ended on the note that we were just that way. Both sides were based on very personal and in-your-face experiences in our lives. We wouldn't let down. But, we recognized it. We saw that we were coming to an impasse.
I think that because of this experience, more often I will enter a disagreement wanting to hear more about the other's opinion. Wanting to see how much I can learn from them, rather than just assuming that my defenses are more worthy.
I also learned that I need to have more confidence in my personal convictions. I need to stand up on my own two feet more often and be proud of the strong voice I am putting out into the crowd. I want my voice to be heard. I want it to make an impact. This is something that I will use to enrich my writing....a confident, strong, knowing voice.
Thank you, my friend, for teaching this to me. This is something we can both agree on.

Asking for Autumn to Appear

Today, as I walked on campus in shorts and a t-shirt, I said a prayer. I asked that Autumn comes soon. Already she is late in coming. We are getting cooler weather, but nothing that says it is time for Fall. The sun was warm, but it is beginning to have that orangey Autumn glow. The breezes are blowing leaves and blossoms across the toe of my shoe, but there is still a heat to the air.
I must admit, I have been using my air conditioner less than usual, but it is just not cooling down to the usual temperatures. It is for the Autumn and Winter that desert dwellers endure the sweltering heat of the Summer. The first truly Fall day, there is a resounding "ah, this is why I love living here."
Autumn brings to many other things besides a break from hot weather. It brings family. The Fall season and its family get-togethers are my favorite--the golden top of a pumpkin pie, the roasted turkey, the orange of a carved out jack o' lantern. Smiles on faces even seem to be brighter in the harvest glow of the sun. I just love the Autumn. It is most certainly my favorite time of year.
There always seems to be a crisp clean smell in the air. The trees are dressed in their brightest colors. And, people seem to be more calmed during this season.
My fondest memories of the Fall have always been my birthday and of course, Halloween. Halloween is certainly one of my favorite holidays. Ghosts and ghouls roam the streets in search of treats. It is probably the only time I am able to talk to my neighbors and see happy childrens' faces.
Halloween in New Jersey, as a child, was the most magical time for me. I would don a costume and wander the streets until late in the evening with my mum. The wind would blow. Leaves would fall from the sky like raindrops. The trees would bend down toward the street, seeming to reach for my candy. There is no fall like the fall in a place where there are truly seasons.
In Utah, I spent two Halloweens. What a beautiful place in the Autumn. The pumpkins seemed to be more orange. The white mountain tops looming over the city of Salt Lake cast an eerie aura over the evening of trick-or-treaters.
My birthday is in the Autumn. Almost inevitably I would have a Halloween theme for my parties. There was always something so great about black spiders, witches, vampires and mummies. For years, my favorite pair of earrings were a pair of black metal spiders that were, many times, taken to be real.
It is Autumn, but not officially yet. I am still waiting for Her to cool down the weather, reach down and blow my hair with her cool wind, and allow for a season of pumpkins, yellow chrysanthemums, and candlelit evenings where classical music fits the mood and the weather.
Hurry, Autumn, hurry! I'm waiting. I am asking. I am begging. Hurry!

Convergence

This last two weeks has been a lesson in convergence. My whole life has been one grand designed convergence...the designers just forget to tell me what they were planning.
School has begun to take shape with projects, papers, reading and continued work on my thesis research.
Work is insane. I am putting together a major event and until two weeks ago, the event was close to failure. I also am preparing for the holidays and all of the craziness contained within.
I also am going to have a new roommate this Fall. My grandmother is moving in. I am little nervous about the stress that may be created by having to accommodate someone else. It is also going to be new experience for me because I don't know her as well as most people know their grandparents. It is definitely going to be an adjustment. It isn't all bad, I am looking forward to getting to know her.
And, then of course, there is also the coming and going of my fiance on weekends, visiting when he can.
I feel like my whole life is going on and on without me. It is passing by on a subway train and refuses to stop for me. Will it ever stop? Will I ever be able to stop and smell the roses once in a while?
I love going to school, but I must say I can't wait until it will be over. I can't cherish work, I can't cherish my everyday life, I can't cherish school. There is too much. Something needs to go and I will be glad when it is school. I think I will miss it. And, I know eventually I will go back for my Ph.D., but I can definitely wait.
I am impatient for May to come. School will be over. My love will be home. And, a new chapter in our lives will begin. We will be in the midst of planning our wedding.
I will weather the storm through the winter and spring. Then, when the summer arrives, everything will be fresh and new. I will have a new confidence, a new me.

Died and Gone to Heaven

Tonight, I died and went to heaven. My friend and I purchased tickets in March for tonight's Sting and Annie Lennox concert. I was so excited that today finally had come. We got through the gates and still had 30 minutes to spare. So, we stood around at one of the radio station tents, watching people answer trivia questions. Those who got the answer correct were able to pick one door out of three for prizes. The prize everyone was after was a pair of front row tickets for the concert.
"What is the name of the singing group that sings the theme song for "Friends?" The Rembrandts.
I held my hand, but the radio personality didn't see me. The guy that did answer the question went up to door 3 and won a mug with a t-shirt in it.
A couple of more questions went by and either I didn't know the answer or I wasn't seen. Then came the question...
"Which King of the Hill character had to pay back taxes on the trailer she abandoned at the Sunny Hill RV Park?"
Oh, oh, oh...it's LuAnne.
I raised my hand, then raised both. The radio guy started on the opposite side of the group. No one else had their hand up. At this point I was jumping up and down. Everyone is telling me to look my way.
Finally, he looks at me. "What's the answer?"
"LuAnne"
"That's right!"
I go up to the front. Everyone tells me to pick door 3. I open door 2 and in front of me is a woman holding two concert tickets in her hand!
"Wooooooo Hoooooooo!!"
"You won the front row tickets! What's your name?"
I can't believe it. I never win anything and this is big. I got the tickets and had my photo taken with the radio guy. Me holding the two tickets in my hand and he, planting a kiss on my cheek.
My friend was ecstatic. We couldn't believe it! I called my fiancee...I had to tell someone.
After talking on the phone, my friend and I made our way to our seats.
We were in the front with a full view of the stage. It was amazing! We could actually make eye contact with Annie Lennox or Sting. We could see that everyone was drinking Arrowhead water. We could clearly see them glistening with sweat. I could get used to seeing a concert this close. Annie Lennox took my breath away. Her voice was mesmerizing. I actually got a little teary-eyed. I am here...up front! Ahhhhh!
Sting was magnificent. The concert didn't end until 11pm. It was one of the best I had gone to. My friend and I hung out, waiting for the cars in the lot to clear. We both bought a little souvenir from this concert. We both agreed that it was one we would not forget.
Now, I am sitting at home trying to come down from the excitement. What a wonderful experience. I am still sitting on a cloud above the rest of the audience, soaking in the music. I am still cherishing the bluesy voice of Annie, the guitar picking of Dominic Miller and the enthusiasm of Sting. I don't want to come down just yet. So, if you will pardon me.

On Top of the World, Standing on Wobbling Legs

There are so many things going on in my life. Often I conquer the difficult things and achieve my goals, but then find myself just barely standing up after my battles. I found that today was the perfect example.
I have been working hard as a leader on a big event at work. Everything has come to fruition this week and I feel like I have fought 12 rounds and now I am standing in the center of the ring with a light on me. My arms are up in the air and the audience is cheering my name. But, then I realize, in my horror, my legs are giving underneath my weight. I see out on the horizon that there are more boxers waiting in line to fight me. And, until I fight the last boxer in line, I can't leave the ring.
This is my life. My life lately feels like one fight after another. One task after another. I feel like each minute, each hour, each day, each week is just something to get over, to get past. I am feeling overwhelmed and it seems that no matter how many times I achieve something, it doesn't make up for the gigantic task that lies ahead.
Today the event was finally where I wanted it to be. I even got media attention and there were no press releases sent. It was wonderful. Then I faced the reality of school and all the I need to complete this year. Why did I decide to get my graduate degree?
So, now I face even more coming into my life. More changes, more challenges. Can I just pray for the new year to make my life easier? Is that right to do?
I know that I probably feel whiny, but really this is just an attempt to destress, to release. Maybe a blog can be therapy?
I guess we will have to see.

Ode to My Car

In the past week, I have had the opportunity to spend quality time with my car. I love my car, but this was not the kind of quality time I wanted to spend with it. I think I would much prefer driving down the highway with the radio turned up, my windows down and the roof open.
But my car has had some ailments of late. I had to nurse her back to her beautiful, peppy self with a little investment in services. First I got her some new shoes...tires. Lola was having some problems with her tires.
Then I took her to the chiropractor to get her aligned. She was a little out of adjustment. Poor baby. Then finally, I got her a pedicure (aka her rotors were turned).
Now she is running lovely. She will be getting an oil change next weekend and hopefully I will be able to take her to the spa where she can be cleaned.
I really am attached to my car. I was attached to my previous car as well, but Lola is different. She is the first car I bought on my own. She was a birthday present to myself three years ago. She has been wonderful ever since.
She is shiny silver. She reminds me of that rocket-like vehicle that they broke speed records with in the middle of the salt flats.
She has dark windows and four doors. She is so sleek, yet cute. I never thought I would ever be so enamored with my vehicle. But, I spend more time with her than any person. I spend time with her in traffic in the morning, traffic in the evening, errands on the weekend, trips to California, she goes everywhere with me.
My cat, Jona, loves her too. When Jona and I go on errands or trips together, Jona always cuddles up to Lola's back window and falls asleep.
What a great car. This is the ode to her...Lola...my beautiful car.

You've Got to Have Friends

I always knew that friends were important. But, this weekend I learned how wonderful they can make you feel.
On Friday evening, as I drove home from work, I spoke to my best friend on the phone. I love her so very much. I especially love talking to her. I never laugh so hard than when we are together and being on the phone is the next best thing. We never cease to make each other crack up. Our brains are said to be one half of each other and I am really really beginning to believe this. She is truly my kindred spirit. And, I feel so blessed to have her in my life. I couldn't imagine my life without her. She understands me in a way that one else does. And, we're so wacky together. When I get married she will be my maid of honor, but what she doesn't know is that her title means much more. I have felt honored to know her. She is inspiring, fun, beautiful, and smart. I want to thank her for everything she has given me. Who else could I see "Otto Titsling" with...on a scaffolding at the Rose Bowl...with foreign people taping us?
Saturday afternoon was spent with a special lady who has inspired me to grasp every moment of every day. She is always smiling. I love talking to her about politics and life. She has an amazing story herself and I feel honored that she has shared it with me. We have become movie buddies. We also enjoy spending hours and hours talking at Sweet Tomatoes. Amazing what a salad bar can spark? I look forward to many many more Saturday afternoons spent with her. How many people do you know that have been on Oprah? That's how special she is...she touches lives. And, she has touched mine.
Saturday evening...I spent it with another friend. When he and I first met, we connected right away. There is nothing more wonderful than connecting with another human being. We can talk and talk and talk. We both love to travel and read. We enjoy life. Last night we stayed out until 1:30am, watching a french film and then hanging out at a trendy restaurant. He laughed with me, not at me, when I spilled a little bit of my overflowing cosmopolitan. He also made me feel good, when he said I looked good in glasses (I will have to work on agreeing with him). We ended the evening talking outside about our significant others while it sprinkled, cherishing the cool weather.
I feel so very lucky to have friends such as these. They bring so much to my life...kindness, appreciation, humor and love. Thank you to all of my friends. You have enhanced my life...you have made me who I am.
This post is dedicated to Theresa...Mazel Tov, sis!

Flat Tire

Yesterday I experienced the horrible moment when you get a flat tire. I had never gotten one before and it is certainly something I don't want to go through again. I sat in my car with the engine running and the AC on, fighting the 100-degree heat outside. As I waited for roadside assistance to come, I thought about how there are a lot of flat tires that occur in life...not just the literal ones.
When you have a perfect interview and you posess every skill the employer is looking for. The interviewer even hints at hiring you. Then, you get a call two weeks later saying, "they found someone more qualified." Flat tire.
You walk across a room to talk to that one guy that catches your eye. He seems interested. He smiles, he buys you a drink, he even touches your shoulder with his hand. You give him your number and you never hear from again. Flat Tire.
You send your transcripts to 10, 20, 30 different magazines and publications. You're proud of your work and think it is the best you have ever done. After weeks of going out to the postal box, you finally get a response..." we cannot use your article at this time." Flat Tire.
As I contemplated all of the flat tires in life. A man from a house across the street came over to the car.
"Do you have a flat tire? My friends and I can change it for you."
The other two friends didn't speak very good English, they just smiled at me. I opened the trunk and they went to work. Once in a while they would disagree with one another on how to do something, but then they would agree on something and nod. Within a few minutes they had changed my tire. One man had the flat tire and went to put it in the trunk. He was afraid to put it in so dirty. So, he wiped down one side of the tire with his shirt. He dirtied his shirt for me...a total stranger. I was really moved at how they came and helped me. I said thank you and that was all they wanted.
"You're welcome. It was not a problem." All three smiled.
They then walked off and sat back on their patio. What a simple gesture. And, most people think we don't live in a world where people still help one another. It was a crappy day filled with flat tires, heat and unmet deadlines, but there was sunlight in the middle of all of it. I recognized that there was goodness still left in our society. There are people who still think of "community."
I learned a lot yesterday...I need to have faith and hope. And, I should never let flat tires get me down. They can always be changed out with a new tire.

Only Half of Me

I always feel disconnected when my fiancee goes back to New Mexico. It is wonderful when he comes home. I can be near him, smell him, hear him and talk to him face to face. But, when he leaves, it is always the same. It never gets easier. It is always difficult. I have figured out it is because I am left with only half of who I am.
He completes who I am...he is truly my soulmate and my other half. Without him at home, I walk around with half of a brain, heart and soul. While going through a story about us in class this evening, this reality hit me. It doesn't take a genius to know this, but I'm slow sometimes.
As I sat in class, listening to people critique my piece, I could only think of him, my love. I wanted him there. I wanted him to take me in his arms and tell me that everything would be alright. That he would be home sooner than I thought. I wanted him to hold my hand. I was missing him so very much. When asked questions that required an answer that involved him...I instantly glowed. Just the thought of him makes me smile, but then it turns me to an emotional wreck.
We put together our engagement announcements today. It was such a great feeling. Our wedding will be here before we know it. But, it is so nice that we have a year and three months or so to cherish it. We can taste every bit along the way and really hold this experience close to our hearts. I wouldn't want it any other way.
For him...honey, I love you more than I can ever tell you. You have brought joy and light into my life. Happy eighth anniversary! I am so glad we got to spend today together. And, thank you for the wonderful weekend. I look forward to so many more memorable weekends with you....like so many we have already shared. We are magic together. We are truly blessed. Thank you for being you.

Intrigue and Deep Thought at Lunch

Today was fairly brilliant. I got to work early. And, I was fantastically pleased with all I completed. I wrote, designed, phoned and worked the deals. I feel great. Plus, it helps to know that in less than 5 hours I will be with the one I love dearly.
I just wish I didn't have homework to do to dampen my mood. Thought I would write out my blog first and then do the homework...prolong the moment when misery will strike.
So, today at lunch with my two co-workers and friends, I began to wonder. Do men talk about the things we talk about? Do they talk about their significant others, sexual escapades and ex-lovers? Everytime I go out with my one particular friend, we always tend to steer our conversation toward sex. I love that we are comfortable enough around each other that we can talk about anything. But, I find it curious. Or, I should say it peaks my curiosity, if men talk about the same things.
I have had male friends in the past whom I was comfortable enough with that we could discuss such things. We would attempt to crack the code on why men and women don't understand one another. Or, at least try to explain the idiosyncrasies of each sex. Maybe we would be able to host our own television show. You know everyone would watch. We would be famous!
I know they say men think about sex all the time...or at least this is what scientists say. But, the problem is that men only think about the act, the actual act. Women, they think about everything leading up to that point. The act isn't even usually that important. So, how do you fuse those two together?
Many of us say we are frustrated by the opposite sex because they are so different. I say, it is the best part of being with someone...being so different. It provides twists and turns and the unexpected. How can couples stay together so long? Because they are intrigued by one another and they are willing to take the time to explore and discover one another.
How beautiful! I plan on making the one person I love the subject of my intrigue for many many years. He never ceases to amaze me. Life is wonderful!

Write Way?

Tonight I had a realization that I am not a good writer. I am a mediocre writer who has been published in some things, but I am not what should be classified as a good writer. Before I alway thought I was good and needed a lot of honing and work in order to be excellent. But, after reading some of the stories written by fellow classmates, I came to the conclusion that I am out of my league.
I am petrified at the thought of my work being critiqued next week. I don't have the complexity that other people have in their writing. I think my will look too simple. Kind of like the country cousin in a room of sophisticated urban people. I knew that this class would be a humbling experience, but I guess I had not thought about how humbling it would be.
It is amazing how interaction with others can change your impression in one day. Yesterday I was beaming with pride over the story I had written. It was personal and beautiful. Simply stated. Now, I am beginning to think my simply stated is just plain simple.
Today was a momentous day...my parents are on their own. They have sold their house and they are now living on the road, traveling in their trailer. I find it so exciting and romantic. They can travel where they like. They can explore and have adventures. I hope that when I am ready to retire, I will be able to do that. They are promising postcards from every state. And, I am going to show them how to start their own blog so they can keep everyone abreast of their journeys.
Most wonderful of all today, I learned that my family will be trekking to my home this Christmas. After six years of traveling home to everyone else, I am now going to be hosting Christmas this year!
Also, it looks like my grandmother will be moving in with me in 2 weeks. This will be a great opportunity to get to know her and become closer.
So many things going on personally, professionally and scholastically. I hope I can make it through the end of the year.

Discovery Channel

On my way home from class tonight, I knew exactly what I wanted to write about in my blog. Now, after eating dinner, editing my story for writing class and talking to the man who makes my knees feel like jello, I have forgotten.
So, tonight's entry will just be babble about my day's discovery. I discovered that some people are bound by their complaints and their common hold on negativity. These are people who never happy. And, they don't like to see other people happy.
I discovered that it can be a fulfilling experience to fill in the black boxes on a voting ballot.
I discovered that the barricades at the parking garage all run on different clocks. That 4pm on my clock is not pm on any of the entrances of the garage.
I discovered that my love's voice can make any anxiety and stress disappear. That his encouragement and kind words can make him seem close.
I discovered that class can be a great place to be when the discussion is stimulating.
I discovered that coming home after a long day is the most wonderful feeling in the world.
I discovered that writing about a special moment in your life can that make that moment more vivid than you ever believed and make you cry all over again.
Every day I feel blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. They have added only good things. They all make me feel special and appreciated. I discovered today that this can make all the difference in the world.
I have discovered...beyond all the tears I shed once in a while, the stress I undergo, and the anxiety I feel...I am deep down a happy girl who is loved! What a discovery!

Vanity Fair

Today was my last day of a long weekend. I didn't want it to end. I woke up late and then proceeded to go through my day as I had planned. Then, knowing that later would I would be going to the movies with my friend, I decided to try and make my hair look the way it did after I got my hair cut yesterday.
And, guess what...I did it! It looked lovely and curly. I had success with my hair. It generally has a mind of its own. Ahh, vanity. It is a wonderful thing at times, but it can be the end of people too.
In fact, after running my errands, I met my friend to see "Vanity Fair," a favorite book of mine that had been made into a film. The movie was beautiful. Such a great film to look at and watch. I was mesmerized. My spell was quickly broken whey my friend began to proclaim how boring it was and she hoped the book was better than the movie.
My heart was broken and my soul burned. How could she say something like that about a classic? Her attitude had already been slightly on the negative side when the movie started, but it was continuing and I felt extremely uncomfortable.
I didn't know if it was her attitude or her attack on a movie that I had quickly held to my heart like a fine book that struck me so hard. But I wanted to get away. Was this vanity? Was I looking for everyone else to love this movie as much as I did?
So, I left the movie theatre feeling anxious. I was upset by her lack of sensitivity. The stress of my return to work was hitting me as well. So, I looked for solace anywhere. I found it talking to a long-time friend, online. He was also feeling down. So, we talked everything out and found a better footing by the time we were done.
By the evening I was feeling much better. I had stress pounding in the back of my head, but I had it under control. I would take everything one item at a time, one day at a time. That was all could I do, right?
What had me feeling this way? Writing for my class about the day that my love proposed to me. It brought the true and genuine things back to me. The things that mattered came shooting at me like light. I am now content. I am only human. I have flaws and can only have so much under my control. Maybe sometimes it is vanity, but no one can be perfect.

A Day Out

I finished all of my studying for school by this morning, so I decide to have a day out. A day where I could treat myself for getting a raise at work and for being disciplined this weekend.
I started my day by making myself some pancakes. Then proceeded to watch a movie and relax. After giving my precious dog a bath and then making myself presentable, I headed to the spa for a manicure and haircut.
With pink nails and a head full of bouncy curls, I headed to the mall. I was in search of the perfect gift for my man. I found it--perfection! It is to let him know how wonderful the last 8 years have been and how much I look forward to the years to come.
Being pleased with myself I proceeded down to my favorite shop and found a black suit pant set on sale. Again--perfection! With bags in hand, I decided to continue my day with a delicious dinner.
I could tell that my confidence and happiness were obvious. People were treating with a little more respect than usual. Their smiles helped boost the confidence I was radiating. I sat down and ordered a cosmopolitan. The sweet drink to my lips was heaven. The pink color is the pink in a perfect desert sunset.
For dinner I had a delicious steak and asparagus. The asparagus was shiny and green like grass. It was crisp and so tasty. I decided to have dessert--cheesecake and a glass of port. The cheesecake was the best I had ever tasted. I put my feet up on the seat across from me and moaned quietly to myself. The creamy texture was so soothing. Every bite went over my tongue and melted into my mouth like a fine white chocolate. With the port, the cheesecake had a slight cherry flavor. The sweet acidity of the port and the cheesecake just made both even better.
I left the restaurant feeling so satisfied with a day that I made my own, on my own. I got in my car and headed for home with my favorite french swing band, Paris Combo, playing on my radio.
I think I should have more days out.

Beautiful Day

It was a beautiful day today. I went into work at 8:00 am--yes work on Saturday. I was able to drive in with my windows rolled down and the sunroof open wide. I played rock music loudly on the radio. I could have driven forever. Just before going into the office, I let the cool breeze blow into my face. It smelled so clean. Autumn would be here soon. She was letting me know.
After 5 hours at work, I left and it was still mild outside. Mild weather in Arizona at 1pm? Impossible! I drove home, once again, with the windows down and the radio blaring. I loved the wind blowing through the window. It made the sleeves on my t-shirt flutter against my skin like butterfly wings might. The warm sun seemed to make a smile grow on my face. "Come out, smile. Enjoy the day."
The scent outside was wonderful. It had rained earlier. My nose was happy too. There are no scents like those of the desert after rain.
Later I went to the movies with a friend and when I came home, walked my dog. The walk was just another reason to grasp this beautiful day. I wanted to soak it all in before it went away. After 110 degrees all week, this was a treat.
Dinner came and went. I began to watch TV and attempt to read for school. I am reading the work of other writers in my class. I read through two and then the third hit me. It drew me in. It was beautiful. If only I could write with such description. I felt like I was there experiencing what he was experiencing. How delicious!
Now, I only wait for my love to call and it will be the perfect ending to a most beautiful day. Look for beauty all around you every day. Enjoy!

I Wish it was Friday...Oh, Wait. It Is.

Today was Friday, but seriously, it never felt like it. Works was crazy. And, guess what? I am going in tomorrow. I have a lot of projects to juggle. It is times like this when I wonder what I was thinking when I decided to go back to school.
I have schoolwork to do this weekend too. I have figured out that when school is in session...I don't get to decide what to do with my time. I think it is giving me a glimpse at how my time will be arranged when I have children.
Yesterday I had such a wonderful conversation with my best friend yesterday. She made it feel like it was Friday. It is funny because we don't talk ALL the time, but when we do, it is like we have had an infinitely long conversation that just keeps continuing. She always makes me laugh. She is one of the people who have really made my life wonderful. So much love radiates from her. Seeing her smile, makes me smile. I can't help it. We always joke that we share a brain. Maybe we do? We can finish one another's sentences and read each other's minds. i wish she lived closer. We would probably drive my fiance crazy because we would be together so much. But, it would be terrific! We always thought we would live together right out of college. We wanted to cover one of our walls with all of the ticket stubs from the movies we had seen. We started collecting them in the 8th grade.
How do we find people who connect with us so well? We call each other "kindred spirits." It was like God brought us together.
Since I have work tomorrow, I have only planned a Friday evening filled with studying and hanging out at home. It almost seems like a slap in the face of Friday, but what else can I do? Saturday will be my Friday instead. With the three day weekend, it shouldn't be too hard to trick my brain.
So, i dedicate this not-so-Friday Friday entry to my kindred spirit, best friend, sister...and maid of honor.
p.s. Ever want to feel really happy...try listening to The Beatles' Yellow Submarine album. "1 2 3 4, can I have a little more. A B C D, can i bring my friend to tea." They have got to be the most brilliant band ever created. I love you, George Harrison!

It's Easy to Find Yourself When You're the Only in the Room

Today is the first day of my blog. I decided that a blog would be a wonderful way for me to make myself write. And, I expect to have a lot to write about. This is my final year of graduate school and the person I have been sharing my life with for the past eight years is living in another state temporarily for work.
I have never been alone...I mean really alone before. I have always had people I love and know around me. I never knew it would be so difficult to take care of a home and do the rest of my things in my life all by myself. I have always considered myself independent, but now I am starting to reconsider whether I really am.
My life on my own has been interesting so far. Last week my friend and I went to see Chris Isaak. What an amazing performer! I have never seen a grown man wear a suit made of mirrors. He made it work!
After the concert, I got a taste of what it would be like if I was single again. We went to a club in a ritzy part of town. I had to dress up and wear heels. Yuck! Besides feeling uncomfortable and having some painful feet, the dancing was great. However, I have never had my butt touched by so many men in such a short amount of time. Now I know how dogs and cats feel when strangers constantly pet them. Ugh!
So, the Labor Day weekend is looming and I am working on filling in every amount of time I can with school work and social activities. I determined to make myself feel okay with being on my own. I am determined to show everyone I love to be by myself.
I know this is perposterous considering I am engaged and have been with the same man for so long, but isn't this something we, as women, are supposed to prove to ourselves. We are strong, independent and never needy of anyone! We only need our shoes, chocolate, walk-in closets and clothes that make us thin?
That just isn't me...I need my music, a hug from the one I love, a smile from a friend and books...tons and tons of books!
This will be an interesting journey. I will look forward to writing in here everyday. Enjoy reading! I will enjoy writing!