Saturday, February 13, 2010

Compelled....but unsure what to write

I feel compelled to write this morning, but frankly I am unsure what I should write about.

The last two months have been overwhelming, painful, wonderful and satisfying...all at the same time.

It might be cathartic to write about the overwhelming and painful parts, but I don't know if I want to peel the scab off yet. I am definitely still healing. They are still bubbling up at the surface and I want to push them down where they can be managed. Anyone have a Tums?

Let's concentrate on the wonderful and satisfying (overwhelming will tie into this a bit).

Wonderful? Wonderful because I have a fantastic husband who has been a rock through all of the overwhelming and painful stuff. Wow...his love for me amazes me everytime. After 12 hours at work, for the fifth day in a row (yep, the overwhelming part), he will just wrap me up in his arms and tell me everything will be fine.

On Monday, I had a day that was beyond overwhelming...I couldn't stop crying at the end of it because it had been an insane roller coaster of emotions and intensity in the office. He was waiting when I got home with a kiss and a hug. He helped me into my pajamas (don't you love flannel?) and then sat me down on the couch to breathe. I cried a bit more in his arms, and then he made sure I was fine where I was (with a stay put and don't fall off the ledge look) and made me something to eat. His love just pushed all of the other stuff away. I am a lucky girl. I am so very blessed. I see his smile and everything melts away. He lets me be me...truly me. And, he loves all of the quirks and oddities about me. As long as we have been together, the flutter in my heart has never gone away when he is near. He is just wonderful!

Satisfying? With all of the craziness that is going on at work, all the late nights, early mornings, weekends, and long meetings, I am so very satisfied. It can be a bit draining, but satisfaction and being proud of what I do can trump that any day. Hearing the CEO tell me that we just held the best event we have ever had...feels fantastic. Hearing how much money we were able to raise and all of the glowing feedback...feels great. Seeing the recognition on someone's face that you are helping their program reach new levels of community understanding...feels so good. I see that I am making a difference in my organization and it is satisfying.

And, beyond where I work, there are the other places where I am investing time and talent. The organizations where I volunteer...so satisfying to see the difference I can make.

Through all of the overwhelming and painful stuff since Christmas, the satisfying and wonderful stuff is helping me get through it all.

Want to hear something ridiculous? Today is the first day I have had since December with no commitments, no work to do, and I have no idea what to do with myself. I am feeling a little anxiety over the lack of rush and run. What to do?

The only appointment on my calendar today is lunch with my husband. Wonderful!

1 comment:

Rachel said...

I am send you a hug and then I'm sending Ryan a hug for taking care of you.