Three months and three holidays later

Our little man is now 14 weeks old. Every month he grows older, he continues to astound us. The day he turned three months old, he decided to celebrate by rolling from his tummy onto his back.

I have been horrible at writing my blog, but I have to admit...I haven't missed it. Every moment I am able, I spend with my little boy. The smiles, the giggles, the little happy dances...they are unlike anything I have had the joy to experience. I am only writing now because the baby dragon is taking a nap. I expect that any time he will wake up and I will just press save and publish because I don't know when I will get the chance to write again.

Christmas with our little boy was just so fantastic. I love his facial expressions and the way he mimicks sounds now. He really focuses and concentrates on the people around him...you feel as though you are having a conversation with him. Crazy...I know...since, he is only a little over three months old. But, he is astounding to watch. A friend said that the joy of having a child is reliving childhood all over. She was so right.

That is my little man waking up. Hope to write again soon. Pardon for typos and grammatical errors.

The Fastest Eight Weeks of My Life (And, Most Wonderful)

When I was pregnant and preparing for maternity leave, eight weeks sounded like an eternity to take off. The longest holiday time I had taken from work was three weeks and that was when I got married. I thought the eight weeks would drag along, but this has been the fastest eight weeks of my life.

It doesn't seem long ago that I was at the hospital giving birth to my little one and now he is going to be turning two months old this week. The time has gone by entirely too fast for me. And, I am in awe at how quickly he has adapted and changed over the weeks. He has gone from tiny crying newborn to a giggling, smiling and gyrating infant. In the last eight weeks, while he has grown in weight, length and intelligence, I have mastered swaddling, shushing, cloth diapers, dressing a wiggling baby, and breastfeeding. In other words, he has adapted much more quickly than I have.

While I was learning to take care of my son, something else emerged during the eight weeks. I saw a new side of my husband that made me melt. He has an amazing way with Royce. He has a magical effect on the baby so that he is able to put him to sleep when the baby is at his fussiest. And, hearing my husband sing, tell stories and talk baby gibberish...well, it has made me fall even more in love with him.

I have been so blessed to have the last eight weeks...no matter how quickly they have passed. It has been a wonderful, challenging, miraculous and rewarding experience. I have fallen in love with the new little boy in my life and fallen deeper in love with the boy who has been in my life for 16 years.

I cannot believe these eight weeks are coming to an end today. But, the adventure has just begun.

What I Learned My First Month as a Mom

Yep, my son will be a month-old tomorrow. It is unbelievable how much he has already grown and how much he and I have learned together. I am in awe of my little man. One month seemed pretty far off when we brought him home the first day. But, the time has flown by; it has been an amazing, yet challenging first month. Here is what I have learned in my first month:

1. Sleep? What is Sleep?
They tell you that you will be tired, fatigued and exhausted the first few weeks. Those wise people who write books and teach classes aren't kidding. When your baby arrives home, he has his days and nights all mixed up, you are trying to figure out how to take care of a new human being, and he is trying to figure out what it means to be a human being. Sleep does not come easy. You get sleep when you can...and in the first week, that means you may choose between grabbing a bite or grabbing a nap. Thank goodness the baby is starting to get day and night straightened out so we are getting a lot more sleep during the evening. I think we should be right on schedule when I go back to work (I am crossing my fingers right now and doing a small prayer that this is our reality).

Sidenote: Babies have day and night mixed up because of a woman's activity while the baby is in the womb. During the day, we move around and so the baby sleeps, lulled by the movement. During the evening, we rest and so the baby starts moving about. The baby keeps the same schedule when he or she is out of the womb.

2. The Crying Game
I don't mean that quirky film. I am talking about the game that the baby plays with us everyday called, "Guess Why I'm Crying." Is it a bowel movement? Does he want to be held? Is he hungry? Is he overtired? I believe we finally have cracked the code, but sometimes the baby will throw new curve balls our way. It feels a bit like a heroes journey...you know, the one that Joseph Campbell talked about in his mythology book. Everyday, a new challenge is given to us in order to unlock the next path of our journey with our little one. The reward...a smile, a coo, a sleeping child in my arms. I had a dream one evening of the baby standing by a bridge, asking me, "What is your quest?" I woke up before he asked me about the velocity of a swallow.

3. Fairy Milkmother
Every breastfeeding gal should have a fairy milkmother, aka a lactation consultant. Without mine, I am pretty sure I would have been in a crying pile on my living room floor, feeding my baby formula, having given up on breastfeeding. Breastfeeding may be natural and rewarding, but boy...when you are new to the concept, it is pretty complex. I had so many questions and unknowns to face the first two weeks...and I read books and took classes beforehand. Happily, breastfeeding is going great and our little boy is growing stupendously. I am so glad I stuck with it; for him and for me.

4. NASCAR Pit-Style Diaper Changes
They are possible. My husband and I have mastered the pit-style diaper change for those late night wet diapers. We are fast and light-fingered so we don't wake up our sweet sleeping child. We are thinking about timing our team take on diaper-changing to see what our personal best may be. And, yes, we do give each other a high five when we have completed a successful pit. You would too.

5. Bellagio Water Show
It is true what they say about baby boys and their talent for creating their own water show when you change their diaper. Just when you think you have mastered the diaper change and you will never get sprayed in the stomach or hand again...the baby proves you wrong. We are slowly mastering the art of squelching a Bellagio-style water show in the nursery. It is just another part of the heroes journey discussed above. And, really...every single time, it makes me laugh, especially when my son looks so proud of himself afterward.

6. Amazed
I am amazed everyday by the wonder that is my son. Watching him mimick a smile, holding his head up, listening to him make new sounds, seeing him grow, having him hold my finger with his little hand. He is a miracle. I enjoy every moment with him...exhausted or well-rested. I love being a mom. And, I never knew I would feel this way.

I look forward to the next month, the next day and the next minute with joy and anticipation. We have embarked on a new journey and I am so very blessed that this new journey includes our son.

Enjoying Today and Tomorrow

We decided that breastfeeding our son was the best decision we could make. Outside of the health benefits of breastfeeding, there is an unexpected benefit of time bonding with my little boy. It is a special time we have together. And, lately, when I look at him, I begin to think about so many things.

I think about the places he will go, the wonders we will show him in this world. I think about taking him to my favorite museums. I ponder camping, Disneyland and the beach. I get excited about traveling to our favorite places in the world - riding an elephant in Thailand, snorkeling in Hawaii, seeing the Sydney Opera House, eating gelato in Italy, meeting family in Switzerland, being in awe at the Louvre.

I think about the things he will do. I imagine his first finger painting or his first time strumming the strings of a guitar. I think about taking him to his first music concert. And, I daydream about all of the books he will read, discovering new worlds. I get giddy about sharing with him my favorite movies. My mind quickly jumps from things he will do as a young child to what he will do when he is a young man. I see him going to a university, pursuing his dream for a career that makes him happy and perhaps also makes this world a better place.

After all of this dreaming and thinking...I look down at his sweet two-week-old face and I pull myself back. My daydreaming is wonderful and it makes me look forward to the future with my son, but it is this day, this very second that I want to enjoy - the small smile on his face, the sigh he gives just before he falls asleep, the intense look his blue eyes give me as I talk to him.

It is a delicate balance, but I want to be a mom who looks to the future with anticipation, while also embracing every sweet moment right now. I want to enjoy today and tomorrow.

He's Arrived!

I know this is a very late blog post. I have been in sleep-deprived baby bliss for the last two weeks; two weeks today to be exact. My son turned two weeks old today and it is still unbelievable to me that this little boy is in my life.

After nine months of a happy pregnancy and the wonder of another life growing and thriving inside me, it all came to a crescendo on my due date. September 18 at 8:15 a.m. my water broke while I telecommuted in my home office (I was trying to get some things done before my weekly doctor's appointment that was scheduled for 9:50 a.m. that morning).

"Ryan, I think my water broke!" I yelled from the living room. My husband came racing in from the other room.

"Honey, stand on the tile. You are getting amniotic fluid all over the carpet."

"Oh."

Suitcase, pillow and cord blood kit...they were all loaded into the car and we were off to the hospital. Along the way, we let my parents know that we were having the baby today and I chatted with my best friend (everyone calls their best friend on the way to the hospital, right?).

Triage confirmed that my water did indeed break. And, they sent me to labor and delivery. I was already dilated four centimeters...it had been confirmed at my doctor's appointment the week before. So, when they called my physician to let her know that I was here, she let told them to put me on pitocin.

At 12:10 p.m. I was put on an IV of pitocin to get contractions going. My family and my pastor came to the hospital to start labor off with a prayer and loads of love. This is what we had been preparing for, Ryan and I. We had everything we needed for a natural childbirth-- relaxation exercises, music, breathing.

Good thing we were flexible.

The idea of natural childbirth quickly came to a halt when the pitocin kicked in. My contractions came fast and strong. There was no time to focus on a beach scene in my head in order to go someplace away from the pain. In two and a half hours, I dilated from four centimeters to eight centimeters...and I was experiencing the worst kind of pain. Wrenching and excruciating, every contraction shot down my legs. My husband would try to prepare me for each contraction by having me begin to breathe just before it would hit (he was watching it all on a monitor). It got to the point...I didn't want to know.

"I want a epidural! I can't take the pain anymore."

I was in tears and no amount of breathing or relaxing music was going to put me out of my misery.

In about 20 minutes, the doctor came and gave me the epidural. And, all of my pain was taken away. I was in a happy, magical place. Ryan watched in awe as some of the biggest contractions hit the monitor and I didn't feel a thing. I was relaxed and feeling really good. I was so glad I went to the epidural class so that I woud feel comfortable with this option. This was great!

It was only a couple of hours and I was fully dilated to ten centimeters. Two hours of pushing, with the doctor arriving around an hour in...and my little boy was born. It was 7:23 p.m. in the evening and we met our son for the first time. A perfect son who had a full head of hair, weighed seven pounds nine ounces and measured 20.5 inches long.

The feeling of holding him close the first time -- amazing! I had a miracle laying in my arms. The little one who had been inside my belly this whole time was now flesh and bone, blood and breath. While I was in awe, it also felt so natural. He was meant to be here with Ryan and I. He was meant to be close to me.

Two weeks later and the awe of that moment in the delivery room still hasn't left me. I look at his beautiful blue eyes and that little expressive face...amazing! This is my son. This is my little boy with whom we will share new adventures. It is certainly bliss to be a mom. He has arrived!

Ben and Jerry's Day

September 15 is a very special day in our home. It is what we have dubbed Ben and Jerry's Day. Why have we made it an ode to that yummy ice cream concoction?

Sixteen years ago today, this guy and this girl who had a friendship blossom over the Internet and on the phone suddenly found themselves sitting on the Santa Monica Pier together, talking over two pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. It was sunset and the day that had gone before this moment could not have been more perfect. There was something special between these two. After nonstop talking and sharing, there was silence and he broke it with a sincere and lovely question.

"Can I kiss you?"

"Not yet."

Of course, he never would have ask if he thought the answer was no (and he told her so). But, she assured him...it just didn't seem quite right yet. Fast forward to her garage after driving home. That is when she let him kiss her. And, she had never felt warmth and love like this. She felt like she had truly arrived at a place called home. He would share the same sentiment with her while serenading her one evening with the song, "Home" by Depeche Mode.

Since that day, my life has been blessed in amazing ways. I have shared so many adventures and special moments with the man who truly is my other half. Yes, we have had our share of rocky moments (who doesn't?) and incredible obstacles (my sweet has survived cancer three times), but what matters most is that we always come back to each other, we look to each other for strength, growing more in love with one another every time.

As we wait for our Baby Dragon to arrive, this year's celebration seems that much sweeter. Who could've imagined that those two from the pier would be expecting a child?

I know that Ryan is going to be an amazing father. He has been a wonderful partner, loving husband, incredible best friend and a support unlike any other during the pregnancy. This blog post is dedicated to the kindest, sweetest, smartest, funniest man I have ever known. We have so many more adventures to come and we will have someone new with whom to share them.

p.s. Yes, today would be a pretty perfect day to have the baby. We will see what the day holds. No matter what, the day will end with a guy and a girl sharing a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. It's sitting in the freezer. And, I know you want to know the flavor - New York Super Fudge Chunk. It's the ice cream we were eating on the pier.

I Surrender

For the last week, I have been working from home and waiting for the baby to start that chemical chain reaction that we commonly call, labor. With me being at 39 weeks, I have also learned to surrender a bit of my independence.

If you read the last couple of blogs, you will know the baby is sitting pretty low, in the head-down position. And, I have been dilated and effaced for the last two weeks. This Tuesday, I was told that my cervix had thinned even more and I had dilated another centimeter. I am now dilated to 4 centimeters, almost half of what is needed to deliver, without pain or strong contractions. I impressed the heck out of the doctor. But, these developments have meant a bit of surrender on my part (it's been difficult for this indepedent lady).

First thing to surrender - driving my manual shift car. With the baby so low, it is not comfortable to drive a stick shift car. Anyone who has a manual, put a small ball between your thighs and try driving. Yeah, it's like that. I have now become a bit dependent on others to give me a ride to get out of the house or run errands. Big thank you to my two awesome parents for shuttling me a couple of times in the last week.

Surrender number two - the ability to move freely. I have a small watermelon in my belly, and although I can still make it at my yoga class, it is near impossible to lean forward. Dropping something on the floor or even just putting lotion on my feet becomes a strange contortion routine. Thank goodness, yoga has made my legs and core strong enough I can squat all the way down to the floor with confidence (this is how I am able to pick up most things from the floor).

Surrender number three -- the ability to work in the office. As I mentioned, I have been working from home. The discomfort of the baby makes it difficult to work in the office (see the next surrender). The commute and the distance from work to home is also a concern when considering I could go into labor at any time. It was the doctor at work who told me...don't come into the office if you are dilated 3 centimeters. I also need the flexibility to rest when needed. Carrying around seven pounds of baby in my abdomen is exhausting at the end of the day. It also gives me peace of mind to know my husband is only 15 minutes away from the house and the hospital is only ten minutes away.

Surrender number four - sitting in a chair with a hard surface. Yes, a baby's head is lodged low in my pelvis, sitting in a chair is very uncomfortable. Thank goodness for the wonderful invention that we call a stability ball - a large ball to sit on for core exercises. This ball has been my friend throughout pregnancy, but never more so now than when I need to sit down for a while. It has become my new work chair.

Surrender number five - the freedom to just do whatever chore I desire to do around the house. Without the commute in the morning and afternoon, I am able to get a few more things done around the house before and after putting in a full day of work. However, what I am able to do is greatly limited. I have done a lot of laundry, vacuuming and dusting. But, I can't answer that itch that wants to pull the weeds in the front yard that have sprung up since it rained. I can't start moving heavy boxes around in my art room in order to do further organizing. I can't lug the carpet cleaner out. I am sticking to light activity chores and sucking it up on the other stuff.

I know that many dream of being a princess in a castle, being waited on. I was never one of those who had that dream; I am always on the go, keeping busy. I like the feeling of accomplishment when I have completed something. I like the ache that comes from doing a day's work around the house.

I have been humbled in the last week, keeping my pride and independence in check while I wait for the baby to make its way into the world. Baby Dragon, for you, I surrender.