Little Sister

When you were born, you were the angel I stood in awe of. When you opened your wide green eyes, I instantly had a smile upon my face. I thought that mom had given birth to you for my enjoyment and mothering. You were mine.

I could never coo or giggle at you enough. And holding you or dressing you was a treat that made me feel as though there couldn't be anything better in the world.

As we grew up, the four years difference between us left indeliable impressions on us both. You kept me young, my imagination bright and life vivid. How often I think of our treks to the toy store with our amassed allowance-based wealth in our pockets in order to buy a Jem doll kingdom, simple puzzle puzzle or sparkling bubbles (it always depended on how wealthy we were on that visit).

I taught you to appreciate who you are and grasp out beyond your bounds in order to grow and thrive. Question everything in the universe as you grow older. And, you did. Your riotous romp into teenager-adult territory was a proud time for me. Even when you came home at 3 a.m. after a night out with friends, I admired your independence and tenacity as a mother hen would of its chick. Along the way, I also like to think that I showed you how to listen to music and appreciate art. Or, at least I hope I did.

As I explored my life and tries to put myself together in college, a chasm grew between us. I guess it was inevitable. But, we were always there for one another, even when we felt as though we spoke two separate languages. We had a subconscious bond that grounded us. Unspoken love, respect and affection can reach fathoms inside.

When I left for another state, a new life and a future with a spouse and a job, you became my baby sister again. Your visits to the house brought back all of the old ties that bound us together as sisters. We laughed, explored and traveled together. we had fun. I cherish every moment because it was like I was walking with you to the toy store again.

We've continued to grow close even with so much distance. We are learning new things from one another. I am learning from you resilence, strength, and the ability to make life work out when it doesn't go as planned. You have a baby now and he is fighting to stay alive. You are by his side fighting along with him. Your heart broke when you lost the other child you bore. You mourned his loss and then took strength in the baby that is still here. No one's life is perfect, but you make it all work. You are content with the beautiful messes we are all handed day to day.

Little sister, your life and lessons are just now truly beginning. And, it hasn't been easy; not the princess-and-the-pea life I had always dreamed for you. But, I hope that what you have learned from your family helps you through. I hope my love and constancy is a source of strength. And, I hope you see that you have a huge fan, a big sister, who admires you and all you have accomplished...my little sister.

Corron

Your small forehead wrinkles and reminds me of the lines that make the sage brow of an elephant. These care-worn creases, usually reserved for the weathered and old, wrap around your small spherical eyes. Your flapping tongue gives away the fact that the ventilater tube inside your small mouth is irritating and invading. It flicks back and forth, next to the tube and then touchdown on your bottom lip. Your tiny nose is giving shape to your face -- a perfect blend of your mother and father. I look at you and you are a three-dimensional puzzle --there is Andrea's eyes and cheeks, there is Courtney's ears and nose, and do I detect the round chin that is prominent on your grandmother and great-grandmother?

A small miracle that is what you are. One day you will grow into a man, but now we revel in the tufts of curly dark hair on your head and the minute fingernails. We giggle a bit at the feet that have grown to a size that appears too big and out of proportion with your 15-inch baby body. You smile or coo and you melt our hearts. You cover your face or mischievously touch the tape on your face and we laugh at the intelligence and personality you already display.

We came to see you, speaking your name over and over like butterflies departing from our lips. A sacred hush or om because there is religiousness that is appropriate while you are in the hospital and we spend time at the side of your little NICU altar. We are waiting, and praying, for your true life to begin. You will have a life beyond these shiny white walls and sparkling tan floors. We are waiting for you. So many of us.

When you open your eyes it is like watching a Super Nova appear through the lens of Hubble. We are amazed and wonder at the incredible awe and power of nature. Every few minutes we glance away from your angelic face and look at the various monitors around your altar, displaying numbers that tell us of your progress and health. 22. 64. 82. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. All of this information is all once hope and concern. If the numberology tells us your future is bright we are excited and hope for the best, but deep down we still have conern because we have not heard the tension of your angry my-diaper-is-wet cry or the soft belch after a filling meal. We still haven't had the glee of passing you around to the seemingly alien hands of family members. We haven't had the chance to nap with you limp and asleep on our chests.

There is a crowd awaiting your arrival. We all pray and think of your baby skin and can't wait to inhale the sweet scent of your baby breath. We are waiting. And, the day you come home can never be soon enough.

My nephew, Corron, and his twin, Correll, were born at 24 weeks. Both were born so early they had not yet opened their eyes. They both fought for their lives vehemently from when they first exited my sister's womb. Correll lost his battle at two weeks and we mourned a life that was lost and never had the chance to truly begin. Corron continues to fight. He was born 1 pound, 1 ounce and is now 3 pounds, 2 ounces. Every minute I get to see him is a blessing. We hope he will be home in July.

Secret Lives of People in Love

Most recently I read the book The Secret Lives of People in Love. Yes, it was around Valentine's Day so the title jumped out at me, but it was also a slim book. Lately I have reading a lot of fat tomes that take two months to read. This is not normal for me. To lighten my load for a spell, I headed to my favorite local bookstore, Changing Hands, and searched for slim books. I was thrilled to see that this book was written by Simon Van Booy because I heard about his prose from others and looked forward to reading it. I enjoy reading books of short stories because that is what I tend to write myself. They are these small morsels of surprise that you can savor guiltily in a corner. This book did not disappoint me. Each story was a gift that gave insight into a character's life. He built poignant vignettes that I treasured. He did tend to equate loss with love a little too much to the point where sometimes the stories were slightly moribund. But, I still loved reading them. The prose was tantalizing and melted slowly like a good chocolate on your tongue. I would highly suggest this book to anyone who enjoys thoughtful, sensual writing. My favorite story in the book is The Apple. It is sweet with an endearing character who has experienced a lot of loss, but has paid homage to how that loss has made him grow.

Another book I recently read was My French Whore by Gene Wilder (yes, that Gene Wilder). I was happily surprised at how wonderful it was to read. The timing in the book fit its author -- the right amount of humor, intellect, and even a naive-like romance with a prostitute. Trust me, it is a great read. It takes place during World War I so the brutality of what is going on around the characters rears its head, and in fact, it makes you cling to them for a time.

My current music infatuation is Vampire Weekend. They are band from New York with a Paul Simon sound...a world beat with upbeat melodies. Enjoy!

Brian Setzer and Ice Skating

It is Christmas time...really? It hasn't felt like. Even with the temperature dropping here in Phoenix, decorations all over the place, and every store playing seasonal music, it just doesn't feel like Christmas. It may be because we don't have a tree up or that we didn't put our lights on the outside of the house, but would that really make such a difference?

The holidays this year have been busier than they have ever been. It is great for the Food Bank where I work, but it has put a damper on my social life and time with friends. This past weekend, I finally got to do something fun for me.

On Friday night, Ryan and I saw Brian Setzer Orchestra at Mesa Arts Center. It was a blast! I wish I could play the guitar like Brian Setzer. Loved him in the Stray Cats and now I love him as a big band/rockabilly icon. What could be cooler than hearing "The Nutcracker Suite" rearranged to be played by a 20 piece big band and an electric guitar. Too cool!

On Saturday night, it was time to celebrate Hollie's birthday. After baking all day, I was looking forward to ice skating. I hadn't gone in so long. I was afraid I would be walking to the car at the end of the night with wet jeans stuck to my rearend. But, I didn't fall...not once. It was nice to feel the cool air on my face and the chill through my clothes. Christmas was starting to sneak its way in. We finished the night with dessert wine at a cute wine bar by the house.

On the way home, "Honey, maybe we can put the Christmas tree up tomorrow?"

Atonement -- I'm still floating

Why am I floating? Why I am having a renewed passion for movies? Atonement. I went and saw the film yesterday afternoon with some friends. I had been looking forward to seeing it for months because it is based on one of my favorite books, it stars the brilliant James McAvoy, and Joe Wright made me a fan with Pride and Prejudice.

I was not disappointed.

I have to say this is the best film I have seen in a very long time. It was gorgeous. Every moment of the telling of this story was a treasure. And, it was the small gestures with poetic and strong meaning that he framed in such poignant ways that often it took my breath away. This is a story of a love that was never truly realized because of the misactions of another. Keira Knightley and James McAvoy were brilliant; making me feel their pain, ecstasy and anger.

Joe Wright...wow! He is a cinematic genius. The sweeping landscapes of the war captured as though tableau, but with reality pulling and biting at you. And, the editing was moving. Each frame flowed from one to the other seamlessly and with the beauty of a perfectly performed ballet. The music and sounds on the movie lent to character intensity and emotion. Everything was just so right on and perfect.

I was gushing all night about the movie to my husband, believing again that films can be wonderful. They don't have to be shoot 'em up extravaganzas or sweeping epics of massive budget proportion. Film can once again encapsulate human emotion and bring a dose of it to the audience so that the characters become a part of you.

I cannot wait to see the next Joe Wright film. What kind of joy and yearning will he bring to cinema fans next time?

p.s. Mr. McAvoy...you are truly brilliant. You have brought new hope to this movie fan that actors can be passionate about their craft. And, in this time of tabloids, gossip and self-indulgence, you have shown that it is possible for an actor to be a class act off-screen. When you are finished with your break from acting, know that there will be people waiting to see where you go next.

I'm THAT Woman

Yesterday, while wandering the aisles of Walgreens searching for allergy medicine, I was talking to my best friend, Rachel, on my cell phone. When I got to the allergy section of the store, I was talking with animation and laughing at something witty she had said. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that I was getting the "how rude" look from a lady nearby. Omigosh! I give that look to people who talk loudly on their cell phones! Eek! I became THAT lady.

For a fleeting moment, I remembered my conversation with my husband about how much I hate those little ear pieces for cell phones and how it seems to give people the right to just wander around and talk to themselves without concern for courtesy in public places. argh! And, then here I was wandering around with my phone suctioned to my ear, laughing loudly.

Then, I truly became THAT woman and said, "I don't care. I'm talking to Rachel and we would be loud if she was here with me. What's the difference?" eek! In one minute I made an excuse for myself and countless others who have thrown proper public decorum to the wind. Wasn't talking to a friend whom you love and cherish much more important than being proper?

I am still conflicted about my actions last night. I have strong feelings about rude cell phone users who talk while eating in the booth next to me, who talk so loudly that I can hear them four grocery store aisles down, or those who are so engrossed in their conversation they don't even notice the other human beings in their vicinity. I certainly didn't do that, but I was rude enough that I even talked to Rachel while I ordered a hot chocolate at Starbucks. I hate that! And, then I did it. Blah!

So, I think I will just leave my blog entry at the point where I say I am a hypocrite when it comes to cell phone usage and will have to think long and hard about becoming a model cell user, setting the example for others or will I just become one of THEM.

BTW, it was wonderful talking to Rachel. She always brightens my day. Sis, next time a strange guy stands a bit too close to you, before parting, just smile widely and say, "Was it as good for you as it was for me? Don't be a stranger; call me." That should shock them to pieces.

And, just for Rachel, http://www.bernardfanning.com/content.cfm?news.cfm Bernard Fanning is giving the scoop on his Los Angeles sabbatical. It looks like his band Powderfinger is making a new record in Hollywood and he is blogging about his adventures. Can't wait to see him in concert again.

On the music front...current obsessions: Maximo Park, Travis, Rilo Kiley and Bloc Party. We saw Travis and Maximo Park perform at The Marquee in Tempe. What a show!!!

On the book front...Plowing through the Diana Gabaldon Outlander series. Love her use of history and she draws fantastic characters. She also bestowed some wonderful wisdom to me on writing books that has been super helpful in the my latest endeavour.

Ciao!!

The Bump

You ever look at your face really closely, nose touching the bathroom mirror, condensation forming in front of you? Looking at every nook, cranny, pore, pimple, splotch, etc? I think we have all done this at one time, but what do you do when there is more than just the normal adult acne, blackheads and blotches? What do you do when there appears on the side of your head a bump?

My husband, Ryan, had surgery last year, just after we were married to have a cancerous tumor removed, as well as his parotid gland (the location of the said tumor) because he discovered a bump on his jaw. It was scary. Yes, part of it was the "c" word, but part of it was also the explanation that he could have a paralyzed face because of all of the facial nerves near the gland and tumor.

He came out of four hours of surgery, blessed with the removal of cancer and the same beautiful smile I fell in love with. Having a rare type of cancer that seems to like popping up on the same piece of real estate, he was subjected to radiation. This process was horrible because it made him feel sick and he would be so exhausted afterward. But, like a shogun warrior he faced it all bravely. He has been cancer-free since March 2006. He is a survivor and such an inspiration to me.

Now, after experiencing all of the above...what do you do when a bump appears on your face once more? This is what happened six weeks ago when we noticed a bump right above the location of his surgery last year, next to his ear. When we went to the oncologist, he wasn't alarmed and thought it was just scar tissue. But, he ordered an MRI to be on the safe side. While waiting for the health insurance company to approve an MRI, we watched the bump become bigger. And, it was tender to the touch. After having an MRI last week, we went to see the oncologist once more to have him examine my husband and look at the results of the tests.

"It looks like it is a lymph node. You should make an appointment right away with your specialist. He will either want to do a biopsy or remove it entirely."

My heart broke when I saw the panicked face of my husband looking back at me. He mouthed..."here we go again."

Today, he saw the specialist--the surgeon that performed his surgery last year. Until today, we discussed the possibilities, the what-ifs, and we prayed a lot. I didn't blame Ryan for not wanting to go through the whole process again. Who would want to? But, the look of defeat in his eyes when he made plans for the worse, killed me inside. And, thinking about it, just made it all worse...how low could I be on the not-handling-this-so-well scale when I break down in tears in the bathrooom at work?

Well, we heard the news and it hasn't allayed our fears and it hasn't made Ryan rest any easier. It is a tumor of some kind...7 millimeters of tumor. It will have to be removed regardless if it is cancerous or not. The doctor took a needle biopsy today and we will get the results on Tuesday. It was hard for my husband to not break down and cry in the office. He could see it all coming again...the surgery, the recovery, the radiation. Deep down inside I know he sees surgery as a blessing. It will enable him to continue living his life. But, I also know that in the back of his mind he is thinking..."how many more times does I have to endure this?" Being on the verge of 40, he is young to be wrangling with such health issues.

So, until Tuesday, we will remain on a teeter-totter. We will feel blessed in the lives we have and think about the best of outcomes. And, then we will also feel the injustice in the prospect of facing the possiblity of cancer again. And, this is all because of a bump. Who knew?