Embracing Myself

Wisdom. Today was a day of wisdom and letting the energy of that wisdom rise to the surface, allowing it to be. And, this was not in the face of difficulty or a demon (which I think is usually the case). It arose at a time of peace and happiness...the one time that many of us fear truth and wisdom the most.

I am so horribly hard on myself; judgmental and critical. I have always felt that it was a necessity to be this way in order to stay strong and get where I needed to go in life. Aren't these traits vital to being a professional? To being successful? Well, I let this part of me take over so much that I forgot what it meant to be carefree and intuitive with my life. I stoppd just being. I have my spontaneous moments, times when stress lets go and I feel that I can be myself...this is usually when I am travelling to a new place, reading a book, or writing.

Until today, I really think I have been slowly mourning the loss my true self. The innocent, inquisitive, empathetic, creative, artsy, dramatic, joyous person I had always been. I suppose the seriousness of life and all that it brings screaming toward you can do that.

I woke up today.

I feel free and relieved. I don't have to be who all of those critics (including myself) think I need to be. I am sensitive and thoughtful. I am the person that everyone likes to talk to because I can give them an honest, sympathetic response. I have a higher understanding about others, more than most people. I have had this since I was a young child...and for a long time I knew this was what set me apart from others. But, somewhere in the middle of becoming an adult, I realized that all of these traits made me vulnerable and made me prone to attracting negative, pessimistic people.

No more.

I am making a statement today that this is who I am. I met a wise woman today who helped me understand the wonderful qualities I possess. I also saw with much more clarity how blessed I am. She told me that more would open up to me this year...all of my hard work and selflessness would come to fruition. A weight was lifted off me, but I have to be ready to receive these gifts. Not just ready...but I have to receive them. I could see in her eyes and face that she saw a truth. And, I already knew this truth, but was unwilling to face it; I wasn't worthy. Isn't that what the naysayers would say?

Negative energy...negative people...negative thoughts...be gone!

Cynde is back and she is going to be upbeatable. And, with the love and support I get from my friends, family and husband...I know it is possible.

Aside from getting clarity from this wise woman today. I also had insight into the importance of faith in God and one's self when I was reminded of the story of Queen Esther yesterday. If she could face death for her convictions. I could surely face the negative attitudes of others to be who I want to be.

Thank you, God, for blessing me and those around me. You are so very good.

Words of joy for me today...earth, seven, yellow, art, flowers, love, embrace, dance, smile, ice cream, friendship, books, laughter, energy, prayer, music.

Be who you want to be. And, love yourself for who you are. Never be ashamed and never hide your true self in the shadows. Embrace it all!

I left my...you fill in the blank...in San Francisco

So, we have been back from our fantastic vacation to Napa, San Francisco and the ol' home town in Southern California. I still don't think I have adjusted to being at work and 115-degree weather. Yes, 115! Last night we hit the all time high on the lowest temperature of the day--only getting down to 93 degrees. I love the desert, but the summers are a little too brutal. Thank goodness for air conditioning!

Napa was beyond gorgeous and it was a cork snob's dream! There were vineyards everywhere up there. And, we visited many beautiful wineries. Calistoga, by the way, is lovely! And, if you are a foodie, like Ry and I are...you would understand what a thrill it was to go to COPIA - The American Center for Wine, Food and the Arts. It is the mecca of culinary stupendousness (and the place where they filmed the finale episode for Season One of Top Chef). We saw a lovely collection of photos there on exhibit, where a couple went to different countries and observed a family and what they ate in a week. The photos on display depicted the family with their week's worth of food all around them. The couple then totaled up the grocery bill for the family. It was just amazing to see how alike we all are in what we eat and yet also how different. Also, to compare how much Western countries eat compared to third world countries. It really made me do a reality check. I wanted to buy the book of photographs, but wasn't sure I wanted to lug the behemoth book around with me the rest of the trip. We still had a long way to go at this point. But, if you are interested in finding out more on COPIA, it exhibits, culinary lessons or its beautiful gardens, go online at www.copia.org.

While up in the Napa/Sonoma area, we went to the NASCAR Nextel Cup Race at Infineon Speedway. Wow! What a place! The only track I know you can go to and see a bay and vineyards. The race was exciting and we enjoyed it immensely. And, we had fun walking around on the track with hundreds of other people, looking for the five golden lugnuts. Darn if I didn't find one of them, but I did find the golden washer. I guess that doesn't count.

If Tony Stewart happens to read my blog (like this will happen...and my husband can ignore this)...Tony, you are one hot driver! Watching you go around that track and pass drivers with ease was just amazing. I have always liked you as a driver, but you thoroughly won me over at Sonoma. I'll be rooting for you.

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled program. San Francisco...well, it was San Francisco! We were ready to move there by the end of our stay. We highly recommend the Golden Gate Hotel. We had a lovely stay there and especially enjoyed the warm croissants and the hospitality of everyone there, including Pip the cat. But, there is so much about our trip to share that it would take a novella to write about it, so here is the short version. Visit the De Young, enjoy Haight Ashbury, drink hot cocoa at the italian bakeries in North Beach, and shop in Chinatown.

There is one story I have to share that completely made my trip to San Francisco. Before we left I purchased "Tales of the City" by Armistead Maupin. I thought it would be the perfect thing to read on our trip. I quickly devoured it and was ready for the next one in the series. When we got to San Francisco I figured I could wait until we visited Citylights Books (one of my favorites) to purchase the book, but I saw a wonderful store in Haight Ashbury and couldn't wait any longer. So, I quickly went in, found "More Tales of the City," and purchased it. As I was showing my husband the book, we noticed a little sticker on the cover...it was autographed! Could it get any better? Armistead, you are wonderful! Now I am searching for the show reruns on TV so I can see my favorite characters in the flesh.

I am looking at my watch and it is almost time to go. So, I will bid adieu for now. I will write more later...hopefully not too much later. To part, currently reading "Siddhartha" by Hermann Hesse and I am rediscovering Powderfinger, Aussie band of the genius Bernard Fanning. They just came out with another album recently, but I must wait until it comes to the other side of the globe (why does Australia have to be so far away?).

Word for the day...splendour. Say it and it just makes you smile.

One more post...a thank you!

January was also our first wedding anniversary. And, I am the luckiest woman on the planet. My husband couldn't have made a more perfect day. We went to church, as we do every Sunday, and we enjoyed the little secret that this was our special day. The only person we shared it with was our favorite pastor (Deanne, you are dear to us).

Then, we were off to the Biltmore for brunch at Christopher's Fermier. What a delightful secret we continued that day. The restaurant was empty and waiting for us to sit down to delicious french coffee and a fresh pastry.

After brunch, we headed downtown. And, I was utterly clueless as to the surprise that lay before me. We parked just outside of Phoenix Symphony Hall, lucky to get a close parking space on the street. We walked up the stairs and Ryan had us wait in line for our will call tickets.

Perfection! That is the only way I can describe what we heard and saw. The symphony was playing The Beatles. Oh, I was so excited. We sat in our chairs, waiting for the lights to dim...I hold Ryan's hand tightly in anticipation.

When the symphony played the intro of the program with a musical collage of Beatles music, tears of happiness welled up in my eyes. Every singing string reverberated through my heart. I am positive that I was glowing inside out. I was so giddy just with the intro, and then the impersonators came out. I don't care that they weren't the real thing. It was the closest I would ever get to see my favorite band play and it was incredible. The strings and horns of the symphony in the background with the authentic-sounding voices of the band. It was pure bliss. I couldn't help, but jump out of my seat a bit when they started to play Eleanor Rigby. And, then when Hear Comes the Sun echoed throughout the hall, tears streamed down my face. The most beautiful song I will ever know. So sweet, so gentle...and the violins made it all the more precious.

I still have that concert in my thoughts every time I listen to The Beatles on my iPod or car stereo. Boy, was I born at the wrong time! I would have loved to be a screaming fan, fainting at the sight of my favorite Beatle band member, George Harrison. I got to live a bit of that in one afternoon.

Thank you, Ryan. It is a memory I will always treasure.

Saving Fish From Drowning...and, Treasure Island

Since I am trying to catch on my blog tonight. I thought I would put together a review of the books I have recently read.

First, Saving Fish From Drowning by Amy Tan. If you have never read her books, she is brilliant in her language. She has the gift to take you deep inside a character and see with their eyes. This book takes place mostly in forbidden Burma, now Myanmar (an interesting topic for me since I was in Thailand and near the border). This book certainly had a unique narrator; a character who is killed at the beginning. She was to take a group on a cultural tour to Burma and the group decides to go even though she has died...it is in her honor. Well, the dead tour leader fills us in on her life and her friends. The voice is one of that perfect party friend that whispers tidbits of gossip into your ear. Just the voice of the book will keep the reader interested. I must say that it was the last third of the book that almost seemed outlandish because of what happens to the travelers. But, as I ponder this part of the book a little more, I have decided it is so outlandish because it revolves around ideas so foreign to me as an American. I have come to like the book as a whole. I would also highly recommend The Bonesetter's Daughter. That is a lovely, lovely book.

The other book I read recently was Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson. Since our trip to Tahiti and my discovery of Mutiny on the Bounty, I have been enthralled with books about ships and uncharted waters. I am sure I read this book when I was younger, but I can't remember being so drawn into the incredible adventure of this book. I was in Jim Hawkins shoes the whole time, enjoying the bravery of being amongst pirates on a caribbean island. As I read, I also realized that this was the book that inspired Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean. It is also the book that inspired the restaurant Long John Silver (that can be slightly distracting when you first start to read). If you like adventure and reading about fantastical places...you will love this book. Then, read Mutiny and Blue Latitude. It will be hard not to feel the salty breeze on your face and the fine white sand between your toes. This is what a good book should be -- an escape from the real world.

Catching up with Cynde...

Wow! It has been a long time. I am ashamed to see how much I have neglected my precious blog. But, I guess that is what happens when life gets in the way. And, it really has gotten in the way lately...in a glorious way.

Let's see...January was a mixture of horrible, horrible, horrible, and wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. The month started off with facing the reality of troubled finances at work so a few staff had to be laid off to ease the financial burden. I had to move one staff person to another department and then let another go. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my career...looking into the face of a staff person and tell them they are no longer needed. What a pain to my heart! It was hard to sleep for quite a while. Ah, Cynde, welcome to the world of the director. It can really suck. I am happy to say that the staff person who was laid off has a terrific new job as a director at another nonprofit organization. Truth be told, she was too good for the position she was in and very unhappy.

In the middle of the month of January, my husband and I were off to Thailand. Thailand, itself, is an entire week of posts in this blog. What a beautiful country. The people are so kind and peaceful. I have never been to a place that has so much relaxing rest, which is amazing considering all of the people who live there. The rivers, vast green lands spotted with rice paddies, mountains, exotic fruit trees...the landscape was so serene, yet almost alien compared to the desert in which I live. And, the food was amazing. We experienced so many new kinds of foods...most of them purchased from open air evening markets.

The most wondrous part of the trip was the act of sharing it with my husband. We took in every part of the country and then savored it together. The trip was also filled with talk of the future. This was decidedly our last big trip for a couple of years because this was the year to start trying to have a baby. A baby. Wow. Such an amazing feeling to face to an ever-changing future with the suprise and joy of a child. Or, two. Or, if you are my husband...five. Lord, help me if we have five children.

Are we ready? Yes, most definitely, yes. We have never felt more ready for anything in life. We are giddy with the prospect. We can already smell the baby powder in the air, hear the precious coo, see the lovely smile of a child. What a wonderful gift God has given us. And, I have never felt more blessed in my life. A perfect husband who loves and cares for me with all his heart. Parents who are so supportive and prepared to be grandparents. Friends who surround me with their love and laughter. I have a house, good job, and a church family. Blessed. That is the only word that describes my life right now.

Blessed and so incredibly happy. Life has slowed enough to let my family breathe. No traumas, no illnesses, nothing to take away from the nirvana I seem to be experiencing.

Oh, and one last thing...I am off blood pressure medicine. After 8 years of fighting with my blood pressure...I have won the battle.

Life sure is good.

Evening of Overwhelming Sadness

I warn any reader of this blog...it will seem pathetic and probably a little too dramatic.

This has been a day full of stress and strong emotions. Anytime a song makes me sob or when I come home and just want to curl up into a ball...things can't be good. That was today.

It wasn't so much that the day was horrible and horrendous. It was more like it was bad enough to finally break the dam of feelings I have been storing up over the last couple of weeks. And, of course, today when the dam broke...I was alone. My poor husband sat on the other end of the phone, helpless, as I cried my eyes out.

Why is it these moments overtake us? Why is it that at this moment my chest feels as it if will collapse and crush my heart? The hurt is so deep. The stress is reaching inside and no matter how much I fight it, it is all taking over. I am thinking right now that a bath and some Loreena McKennitt may be the best cure. A little bit of time that let's me wallow in my misery...that is what I need.

The irony is that earlier, I was thinking about how blessed my life is. I was, of course, tallying up the things that I considered a blessing in order to counter the evil thoughts and tears that come from a stressful day. I was trying so hard to conquer and fight off the negatives that had been lurking around the corners.

But, after a visit to the vet, hearing about my dog's decreasing health...the tears hit the cheeks and my chest was ripped open. So, I am pathetically watching sitcoms in order to cheer myself up. The bathtub is definitely a better option.

Sadness...an emotion that I don't like to feel...especially when the one person who truly understands me if not here.

At least it will only be one evening instead an entire day. Let's hope.

Pangs of Separation

Separation. It is such a simple word, but it has such a complex context. It has meaning for me this week because my husband is in Texas and the separation is horrible. Yes, perhaps the whining and complaining is pathetic because it is only two weeks out of the year. And, I have endured absences that were much longer. But, this time seems exceptionally excruciating.

I thought it would be a little easier because my parents, snowbirds to the area, are in town so I have people to help me fill my time and provide a bit of solace. Their presence just makes it all the more apparent that my other half is missing.

At the beginning of the week, he sounded so chipper on the phone. He was enjoying the time in a new city and was eager to explore. As days wore on...his voice became less joyful and upbeat. Tonight he sounded miserable. His only motivation seems to be that each passing day brings him closer to being home.

Being away from the one person who makes you feel whole is probably one of the most difficult things...it seems to be putting me at an emotional disadvantage with everything. Even corny advertisements on TV evoke tears or exaggerated laughter.

There is nothing more wonderful than having a strong connection to your soulmate, but there can also be nothing more painful.

On a lighter note....current books...

"Owl and Moon Cafe" by Jo Ann Mapson
"Frangipani" by Celestine Vaite

Music...Anne McCue. A talented Aussie singer-songwriter who expresses a gritty truth with her lyrics. And, she brings back a rich pure guitar sound reminiscent of classic country and 70's rock.