Jasmine

Today was a tough one. A serious contrast to the wonderful, relaxing day I had yesterday. After rowing class, I came home to see Jasmine, my geriatric dog, lying on the floor with her legs sprawled in front of her; she was unable to lift herself. You could see the frustration in her large brown eyes. She was straining and whining, looking up at me and asking for help. It broke my heart.

Since she has come to live with us, she has had many medical problems. But, she has always been able to overcome them. She has been a fighter, a survivor. It is wonderful having her with us. It has given us some great experience of what it will be like to take care of a child. She has also been a fantastic companion --the times we have walked around the block, the mornings at the park or the Biltmore, and the days where she went out on errands with me.

Today was tough because I had the realization that my friend is not going to be with me much longer. We took her to the vet after seeing that her mobility has become very limited. It was tearing me up. I hate to see her like that considering how much of her faculties she still has. She still gets excited when she sees me. She still has a glitter in her eyes when I pull out her leash. And, she can still eat her dinner quicker than a Porsche can get to 100 MPH.

The vet had the talk with us, telling us it was time to begin thinking about when will be the right time to let her go. There is no right time if you ask me. I have had her since I was 18. She has been one of my best friends. She is part of our family and so very loved. I don't know if I will be able to let go of her, but I know the time will have to come. I will have to consider what is best for her and her quality of life.

For now, she is on pain medications and we are trying to ease the pain of the arthritis and muscle atrophy in her hips. We are lending her a hand when she eats or needs to go out in the yard to make things a little easier.

I know many people look at dogs or cats as just animals, but I didn't grow up that way. Our pets have always been part of the family. They have their own personalities and quarks. And, something you don't experience with other humans - a love, devotion and loyalty that is unfaltering. On a bad day, coming home to a wagging tale and wet kiss on the cheek can cheer you up. Or, the days when you're sick, the warmth of a soft fluffy cat curled up against you is soothing and therapeutic.

I feel blessed and fortunate to have grown up in a family that loves our pets.

Jasmine, I love you. You will always be that adorable puppy that could never resist kissing every person who came within feet of you.

Random Questions and Ponderings

I cannot put two ideas together in a linear fashion so I am just relying on random numbered questions and ponderings. Please read with an open mind.

1. Why, oh, why does that couple at dance have to hog the dance floor? There are at least 12 couples in the class and there is a huge dance floor for all of us to share, but the showy couple that also likes to goof off has to take over and impede on our space. Ugh! What to do about floor hogs?

2. Why is it one of the coolest things when you go to a restaurant and they greet you by name? We have become regulars at San Tan Brewery and it is nice to be recognized. Are just being needy? Or is it that we feel like we are reliving Cheers?

3. Why did Vans decide to sponsor an outdoor concert in Phoenix in the middle of the Summer? Today, I spent four hours out in the 105-degree summer heat at the Warped Tour. The music was great and I was so wanting to hang out longer to see the bands play, but goodness it was hot. I have not felt that horrible after a day in the sun. Bad time of year for something like this, but thousands of people still showed up.

4. Why is it so exciting to makeover one of the rooms in my house? I am going to tackle my bathroom this weekend and I am so excited about the prospect. I have paint, a new shelf, new shower curtain. My bathroom is going to look totally new and I am thrilled to bits. Wonderful Fourth of July project this weekend.

5. Why is Deadliest Catch so interesting? It is a show about a bunch of guys who fish for crab. Why do I feel so compelled to watch?

Music musings this month: U2, The Sundays, Westside Story, Belanova, Wilco and Depeche Mode.

Current read: In Defense of Food...trying to barrel through it so I don't have to renew my checkout of the book from the library.

My Thoughts on This Week

The death of an important doctor this last weekend has been weighing very heavily on my mind. First, it is just the image of a man ushering at church just as he would every Sunday and seeing a man come toward him with a gun. I can imagine the congregation hearing the shots fire and echo through the sanctuary. "What could that be?" Next, a sweating and anxious young man coming to get his wife in as quiet a way he can. The sound that echoes through the sanctuary next is the terrified and disbeliefing scream. Just thinking about this scene now brings tears to my eyes. Quite frankly hearing about the details of any human being killed is a frightening tale that aches my heart.

I know that this doctor was a controversial person in this country. I know that many people may see his name and think that he was also a murderer and that what he got was what he deserved. It is hard for me to believe that.

He stood by the side of frightened women who were carrying babies they wanted (hence carrying to a late term), but had to terminate the birth because of the risk to their own health. He cared for them and their families to ensure that not only was the woman's health taken into account, but that the family was able to cope with the pain of the loss - at a time when no one else would be there for them. Who can ever really cope with the loss of a child -- born or unborn? No one. It is a scar that a woman must always live with; a deep pain that may never heal. Nonetheless, some instances of health make it a necessity. But, politicians have stepped in where they don't belong. It is a woman's body; it is a decision she needs to only confide in her family and doctor to make.

Everyone's personal feelings on the matter of abortion are different -- personal. Personal. Where are we missing this? Just as religion is personal so are everyone's thoughts on health care. It may not be the choice I would make for myself, but I am not the one who dictates to others. I also don't condone war, but there are certainly a lot of them going on around the world. Our beliefs don't dictate to the environment; it doesn't work that way.

Sorry, I digress. What I choose for myself doesn't mean that I am better at making decisions for others. And, certainly what I believe doesn't mean that it should be so for others. Can I make the choice for a woman with an abusive husband, drug addiction and no home to live in? Can I make the decision for a family that already has five children and the main bread-winner in the household has lost his job? Can I make the decision for the woman who finds herself alone, pregnant and carrying a child with Downs Syndrome? I can't. I hope I never have to face the decision. It takes an amazing amount of courage and determination.

And, where does terrorism and striking fear into women who have to make this choice actually help? Where does it actually make a difference? Where does it make impact? It doesn't. It only creates fear. Not rationale. Not educated adults. Not women who feel they have worth.

The doctor's death was sad and unnecessary in and of itself. But, to hear the commentating on his death like it was God inflicting his wrath on an evil person is just so ignorant. I don't remember God giving us the right to judge others on this planet. When did that happen? This doctor was a respected man who fought for woman's rights to make their own decisions when it came to their reproductive health care. He continued to do what he believed was right and provide a service to women that thousands in the country refused to at the risk of his own life. Courage. Fighting for what he believed in. Standing up with women when politicians didn't think the voices of millions of women just weren't loud enough.

The point? This is bigger than just making my own decisions about the birth control pills I would like to take to keep from becoming pregnant until I am ready to have a family. This is about being a woman and being able to make my own decisions. Period. I have a voice, dammit. And, I don't want a politician to look at me and say, "Well, you are in your thirties, a career-minded woman and, oh, a blond. You can't make your own choices. Let me do it for you. Keep being the fragile, hopeless creature you have always been. It's for your own good."

No, thank you. Women have gotten much too far to just sit down and allow politicians to do this to us. To objectify us. Did the women before us fight in vain? I hope not. In a time when women are doing everything that men do...why aren't we given the same rights in every way that men are?

I pray for our country every day. I pray for people who are on both sides of this fence every day. I pray that God will truly come back into the picture again - a loving God where we embrace our fellow human beings and come up with solutions through dialogue together instead of yelling at one another. Instead of shooting one another.

I am sad today and will be for a long time. We are destroying the world and the people God has created just to get our way; just to impose our thoughts and beliefs on others. Is it worth it? Is the anger and dissidence worth it? Is the fear worth it?

I don't think it is.

What is? A woman who is smiling with the light of hope on her face because she has freedom, knowledge, and a future. Precisely what this doctor fought for.

Swing, Swing!

So, we started our first night in the combination ballroom dancing class we are taking through the city. It was so much fun! We learned the East Coast Swing tonight. What could be better than looking into the face of my best friend (my husband) and dancing to Glen Miller? Um, nothing. I can't wait to see what the next 6 weeks of classes hold for us. We really want to practice in between classes and keep it up after classes....finding someplace for us to dance on a regular basis. Ooooh, fun!

I love spending time with Ryan! He is awesome! That is all I can say. He is just awesome! No one else can make me smile and laugh like he does. And, well, he is so adorable.

Okay, enough fawning over my husband.

My current music interests -- two new CDs I bought at my favorite music store --The Hold Steady and Heartless Bastards. Now, before you discount the last band because of their name....they are great! The lead female singer has a wonderful smoky voice like Pretenders' frontrunner Hynde. And, the sound is a bluesy rock and roll. Really enjoying them. My friend who owns the music store told me that her counterpart in Cincinnati sold 750 copies of the album the day it came out. Wow!

Another music interest -- Laura Pausini. I have listened to a couple of her songs and I am certain she is Italian. The song she does with James Blunt -- Anticipada Primavera is lovely!

Holy Crap, These Fit!

Yesterday I went to the movies with a friend and then we decided to go into the nearby mall. I recently lost more weight and my shorts from last summer no longer fit and I'm in need of some shorts (I live in hot and dry Arizona; they're a must). Well, I had some surreal moments of dealing with a new reality as it relates to my body while on our shopping spree.

Perhaps I should back up a bit. When I moved to Phoenix, my entire life changed -- yes, it was ten years ago -- but it was a huge shift in my world. No more socializing and hanging out with people I knew. No more beach. No more swimming. No more people to go hiking with. No more LA trips. No more occasional coaching at the roller rink. And, there was my poor boyfriend (husband now); he was my only connection and social network in Phoenix. I don't think he realized what he got himself into.

Now at this point in my life, my weight had fluctuated, but not too greatly because I was always pretty active. And, in fact, before I met my husband to be...I was in really good shape. So, here is my new life in Phoenix and I'm not sure what to do.

It took quite a few years, but I became the heaviest weight I have ever been. In fact, at the pinnacle of my weight, I got married. I had the best time ever on the day of my wedding. It was awesome! But, when I saw the photos, I was heartbroken inside. How did I get like this? How did the cross country running, tennis playing, roller skating, ocean swimming athlete that I was inside end up looking like this on the outside?

So, more than 2 years ago, my husband and I joined Weight Watchers together. I lost 30 pounds just in the first 4 months and then I plateaued. I kept on keeping on for a year and didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose any either. I was pretty happy. I looked like a normal person in my photos when we went on vacation in Thailand. But, I still had more to lose.

Last year, we stopped going to Weight Watchers because we didn't seem to be getting anything from it anymore. I needed to do this on my own now. I needed to push myself. I started making a commitment to workout three days each week. It happened for a while, but not consistently enough. I needed to turn my routine upside down. I needed to be focused and determined. I could do this!

December 2008, I became a vegetarian again. After thinking about it for a while, struggling with stomach problems, and reading books on vegetarianism, I knew this was what I needed to do. Along with kicking hormone-and-calorie-ladened meat to the curb, I also began to work out more consistently and only eat when I was hunger. Yes, a strange concept, but only when I was hungry and I only ate what I needed to satisfy that hunger. It is a lot less food than what I used to stuff into my body. I eat too much now and I feel horrible. I have it down. And, at this point, I have lost about 45 pounds.

This leads us up to yesterday. Kind of. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a rock and roll show with friends. One of them commented on how baggy my jeans were..."I think it is time for you to get a new pair." I was in denial. It was impossible that I could be wearing something smaller than a size 12. I had been wearing a 12 for the last year.

So, last weekend, I went into Old Navy, picked up a pair of size 10 jeans and tried them on. Yes, they fit. But, you know it is Old Navy and they are stretchy. I was excited about having a 10 on my body (okay, I cried in the dressing room), but still discounted it a bit.

Okay, now we are on yesterday. So, we are shopping for shorts and my friend says, we should go to Ann Taylor and J Crew. They have the best shorts. Okay. I am thinking to myself that I will have to get 12s at these stores. They are stores that cater to thin, good-looking people.

As we perused the racks, I did pick up 10s at Ann Taylor, all along thinking I will get to the dressing room, they won't fit and I will have to go back out and get 12s.

"Holy crap, they fit!"

I said it loudly from my dressing room. A lady next to me giggled and my friend, Felice, came out to see what I was talking about. "Let me see."

I had on a pair of shorts and they said 10 on the tag. What the heck?? I tried a few pairs of shorts and pants and each time they fit. Wow! I ended up buying a size 10jean skirt and a couple of t-shirts.

So, we walk down to J Crew. I look for bermuda shorts and they don't have a 10 in the khaki. "Oh, let's see if they can find them for us," says Felice. Do we have to hassle the salesperson to get something that will not fit me? I looked at a hot pink pair of shorts in a 10 and they look too small for me.

The salesperson emerges with a couple pair of shorts in a 10 and I go in to try them on.

"Okay, this is freaking crazy!"

"What?" says Felice.

"These fit too."

At this point, she is kind of laughing at me.

"Cynde, you have been working really hard to lose the weight and you look great."

I am still in astonishment today and can't believe that I was talking to my husband last night about having a goal of wearing a size 8 when we go to see Depeche Mode in August. Part of me thinks that it will be impossible, but there is a part of me that thinks I can do it.

I mean....holy crap! They fit!

Strings

Every note, every chord
it plays upon my heart

The music reaches in
plucking my very soul

What is this power?
What is this intensity that
takes over me?

A sustaining note
A power chord
A short ping as the artist's fingers
go down the strings, changing the chord

Deep down
I long to be that guitar
Singing with a clear voice
out into the dark night
filling the world with a joy and light

Emotion and energy
all created from strings

Strings right to my core

Nothing in Particular

...yes, nothing in particular. This is very important. So, be sure to pull out your notepads.

I am sitting in my quiet house, listening to semi-sad music. Darn adorable couple from the movie, Once. They made an album and I am addicted to it. It is along the lines of Sarah McLachlan. That perfect CD for a candlelit bath for one. Maybe a few healthy tears and then laying on your bed staring up at the ceiling. Yeah, it's like that.

It's a Sunday night and I am working on some things I need for work tomorrow. I am beat. Busy busy weekend. Great fun, but it was exhausting. Why do I do that to myself?

Well, I was missing my blog. I feel like I have been cheating on it with Twitter (and maybe I mentioned this previously). Twitter is so easy and spontaneous. I love how it lets me purge the crazy thoughts that are filling my brain at the moment.

A few things I am excited about at the moment...seeing Styx (yes, Styx) on Friday night. They are quite fun to see and I am going with some wonderful friends.

Another exciting happening...Ry and I signed up for ballroom dancing through the city. I have taken so many classes with the city's park and rec department. We have seven weeks of learning tango, foxtrot, swing, tango and a couple others. It is built-in date night.

And, then there is going to L.A. in August to see Dave Gahan in his t-shirt and tight jeans...ahem...I mean to see Depeche Mode play at the Hollywood Bowl. Thinking about the concert, I feel like I am in high school again. It makes my stomach get all crazy and excited. Love it!

What else is on my mind? I miss Rachel. Where are you when I am bored out of my mind? Or, when I am having lunch with someone who just doesn't know how to have as much fun as we do? This certainly isn't your fault. I moved to this desert 10 years ago. And, not that it wasn't a good move...look at all I have been able to do. But, it doesn't make me miss you any less. Some days I really do feel like you have the other half of my brain. Your friendship is such a blessing.

Sorry, this is what happens when I just write whatever comes into my head. And, this music isn't helping any. Perhaps I need to plan a trip to Cali to have a girls' weekend with Miss Rachel. A wacky weekend...oooh, maybe in San Diego?? I think I need to call Rachel tomorrow to hatch a plan.

Okay, back to work. I am pretty sure I want to go to bed at 9 p.m. tonight.

postscript...
Music favorites at the moment...Andrew Bird, used Powderfinger CD I found at Zia, and oldies.

Resolution for the week -- I will be positive and all around pleased with myself. A rarity, indeed, but I think I am worth it this week. Right??