Sunday, May 31, 2009

Holy Crap, These Fit!

Yesterday I went to the movies with a friend and then we decided to go into the nearby mall. I recently lost more weight and my shorts from last summer no longer fit and I'm in need of some shorts (I live in hot and dry Arizona; they're a must). Well, I had some surreal moments of dealing with a new reality as it relates to my body while on our shopping spree.

Perhaps I should back up a bit. When I moved to Phoenix, my entire life changed -- yes, it was ten years ago -- but it was a huge shift in my world. No more socializing and hanging out with people I knew. No more beach. No more swimming. No more people to go hiking with. No more LA trips. No more occasional coaching at the roller rink. And, there was my poor boyfriend (husband now); he was my only connection and social network in Phoenix. I don't think he realized what he got himself into.

Now at this point in my life, my weight had fluctuated, but not too greatly because I was always pretty active. And, in fact, before I met my husband to be...I was in really good shape. So, here is my new life in Phoenix and I'm not sure what to do.

It took quite a few years, but I became the heaviest weight I have ever been. In fact, at the pinnacle of my weight, I got married. I had the best time ever on the day of my wedding. It was awesome! But, when I saw the photos, I was heartbroken inside. How did I get like this? How did the cross country running, tennis playing, roller skating, ocean swimming athlete that I was inside end up looking like this on the outside?

So, more than 2 years ago, my husband and I joined Weight Watchers together. I lost 30 pounds just in the first 4 months and then I plateaued. I kept on keeping on for a year and didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose any either. I was pretty happy. I looked like a normal person in my photos when we went on vacation in Thailand. But, I still had more to lose.

Last year, we stopped going to Weight Watchers because we didn't seem to be getting anything from it anymore. I needed to do this on my own now. I needed to push myself. I started making a commitment to workout three days each week. It happened for a while, but not consistently enough. I needed to turn my routine upside down. I needed to be focused and determined. I could do this!

December 2008, I became a vegetarian again. After thinking about it for a while, struggling with stomach problems, and reading books on vegetarianism, I knew this was what I needed to do. Along with kicking hormone-and-calorie-ladened meat to the curb, I also began to work out more consistently and only eat when I was hunger. Yes, a strange concept, but only when I was hungry and I only ate what I needed to satisfy that hunger. It is a lot less food than what I used to stuff into my body. I eat too much now and I feel horrible. I have it down. And, at this point, I have lost about 45 pounds.

This leads us up to yesterday. Kind of. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a rock and roll show with friends. One of them commented on how baggy my jeans were..."I think it is time for you to get a new pair." I was in denial. It was impossible that I could be wearing something smaller than a size 12. I had been wearing a 12 for the last year.

So, last weekend, I went into Old Navy, picked up a pair of size 10 jeans and tried them on. Yes, they fit. But, you know it is Old Navy and they are stretchy. I was excited about having a 10 on my body (okay, I cried in the dressing room), but still discounted it a bit.

Okay, now we are on yesterday. So, we are shopping for shorts and my friend says, we should go to Ann Taylor and J Crew. They have the best shorts. Okay. I am thinking to myself that I will have to get 12s at these stores. They are stores that cater to thin, good-looking people.

As we perused the racks, I did pick up 10s at Ann Taylor, all along thinking I will get to the dressing room, they won't fit and I will have to go back out and get 12s.

"Holy crap, they fit!"

I said it loudly from my dressing room. A lady next to me giggled and my friend, Felice, came out to see what I was talking about. "Let me see."

I had on a pair of shorts and they said 10 on the tag. What the heck?? I tried a few pairs of shorts and pants and each time they fit. Wow! I ended up buying a size 10jean skirt and a couple of t-shirts.

So, we walk down to J Crew. I look for bermuda shorts and they don't have a 10 in the khaki. "Oh, let's see if they can find them for us," says Felice. Do we have to hassle the salesperson to get something that will not fit me? I looked at a hot pink pair of shorts in a 10 and they look too small for me.

The salesperson emerges with a couple pair of shorts in a 10 and I go in to try them on.

"Okay, this is freaking crazy!"

"What?" says Felice.

"These fit too."

At this point, she is kind of laughing at me.

"Cynde, you have been working really hard to lose the weight and you look great."

I am still in astonishment today and can't believe that I was talking to my husband last night about having a goal of wearing a size 8 when we go to see Depeche Mode in August. Part of me thinks that it will be impossible, but there is a part of me that thinks I can do it.

I mean....holy crap! They fit!

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Every note, every chord
it plays upon my heart

The music reaches in
plucking my very soul

What is this power?
What is this intensity that
takes over me?

A sustaining note
A power chord
A short ping as the artist's fingers
go down the strings, changing the chord

Deep down
I long to be that guitar
Singing with a clear voice
out into the dark night
filling the world with a joy and light

Emotion and energy
all created from strings

Strings right to my core

Nothing in Particular

...yes, nothing in particular. This is very important. So, be sure to pull out your notepads.

I am sitting in my quiet house, listening to semi-sad music. Darn adorable couple from the movie, Once. They made an album and I am addicted to it. It is along the lines of Sarah McLachlan. That perfect CD for a candlelit bath for one. Maybe a few healthy tears and then laying on your bed staring up at the ceiling. Yeah, it's like that.

It's a Sunday night and I am working on some things I need for work tomorrow. I am beat. Busy busy weekend. Great fun, but it was exhausting. Why do I do that to myself?

Well, I was missing my blog. I feel like I have been cheating on it with Twitter (and maybe I mentioned this previously). Twitter is so easy and spontaneous. I love how it lets me purge the crazy thoughts that are filling my brain at the moment.

A few things I am excited about at the moment...seeing Styx (yes, Styx) on Friday night. They are quite fun to see and I am going with some wonderful friends.

Another exciting happening...Ry and I signed up for ballroom dancing through the city. I have taken so many classes with the city's park and rec department. We have seven weeks of learning tango, foxtrot, swing, tango and a couple others. It is built-in date night.

And, then there is going to L.A. in August to see Dave Gahan in his t-shirt and tight jeans...ahem...I mean to see Depeche Mode play at the Hollywood Bowl. Thinking about the concert, I feel like I am in high school again. It makes my stomach get all crazy and excited. Love it!

What else is on my mind? I miss Rachel. Where are you when I am bored out of my mind? Or, when I am having lunch with someone who just doesn't know how to have as much fun as we do? This certainly isn't your fault. I moved to this desert 10 years ago. And, not that it wasn't a good move...look at all I have been able to do. But, it doesn't make me miss you any less. Some days I really do feel like you have the other half of my brain. Your friendship is such a blessing.

Sorry, this is what happens when I just write whatever comes into my head. And, this music isn't helping any. Perhaps I need to plan a trip to Cali to have a girls' weekend with Miss Rachel. A wacky weekend...oooh, maybe in San Diego?? I think I need to call Rachel tomorrow to hatch a plan.

Okay, back to work. I am pretty sure I want to go to bed at 9 p.m. tonight.

Music favorites at the moment...Andrew Bird, used Powderfinger CD I found at Zia, and oldies.

Resolution for the week -- I will be positive and all around pleased with myself. A rarity, indeed, but I think I am worth it this week. Right??